Top 2004-12-27 OK, I'm over my rantings from the other day. I'm finishing up my random movie festival. Xmas was very good; I got exactly what I wanted: a day off. I did actually enjoy it (despite my rantings below). Now...to compile my list of who to avoid in the coming year...
Music: Dane Cook - Harmful if Swallowed (this comedian is pretty funny; I think he'd be twice as funny if he didn't swear. Actually, almost ALL comedians would be twice as funny if they didn't swear. F*&#kin' comedians.)
Movies: Money Pit (Tom Hanks was SO good in this), A Home at the End of the World (crap film about good actors in a gay/threesome/confused relationship, like anyone would tune in to see someone else's confused existence), Gothika (cheap scares; I like how the dead girl can write "not alone" from beyond the grave, but can't seem to write the real killer's name instead, which would have been much more useful), Bottle Rocket (early Owen Wilson; very good; gets better each time I see it), Meet The Fockers (lame follow up with oh-so-annoying Streisand and way too many "Focker" jokes; don't the writers realize that it was funny the first time because it wasn't mentioned every six minutes!?!?!? Ugh.), The Gods Must Be Crazy (I really enjoy these films; simple slapstick humour still works), De-Lovely (more like de-boring;de-ugly), Polar Express (how this became a major release is beyond me save for the fact that there are so few clever and well written stories anymore; OK at best and probably cost way too much to make)

2004-12-24 I freakin' HATE christmas songs. Who on EARTH would ever utter the phrase "don we now our gay apparel"? Well...? Uh, excuse me while I don me now my gay apparel. Ugh. Freakin' christmas. Happy Holidays!
Book: Anne Frank - Beyond the Diary (This was very good; I guess I'm in a Holocaust remembrance mode lately. I think it odd that the only people that give a rat's ass about the Holocaust are the Jews. I also find it hilarious that there are some morons out there that dismiss the Holocaust because more Chinese or Russians or whatever died during similar eras in history, when they themselves are Chinese or Russian or whatever. Here's the problem: you don't have to share bloodlines to recognize horror. As soon as people accept this, war will end. It's like when CNN reports "American" casualties, because, obviously, WE don't care about any other types of casualties. Happy Xmas!!
Movies: In July (unexpectedly good foreign road trip film), All I Want For Christmas (kids scheme to reunite their parents; lite kidflick), For Love of the Game (overlong; boring), Bollywood (does anyone like this sort of movie?; it's Pretty Woman with dots), Hope (early Jena Malone; small southern town with a secret past; made-for-TV and looks it), Farewell My Lovely (Robert Mitchum; 70's film noir that actually pulls it off decently; one great line: "my bank account was trying to crawl under a duck"... I wish I could write that well), Shrek 2 (all hype aside, this is a funny film), Ellen Foster (another early Jena Malone TV movie; typical for TV), Pirates of the Caribbean (Johnny Depp is just a really good actor; well done; enjoyable), Stepford Wives (Nicole Kidman remake; Ugh, what garbage. I may have lost respect for Matthew Broderick for doing this trash), Schindler's List (Y'know, I really HATE Steven Spielberg movies... I don't know why, but this didn't really move me at all, like it was supposed to. Maybe it was the fact that everyone was speaking English for my benefit, albeit with German accents...or maybe because of that stupid red dress touch...I don't know, I wasn't horrified, but felt I should have been; it played more like a work of fiction than I felt it should have), Criss Cross (Burt Lancaster; old film noir with all the stops; worth seeing), My Knees Were Jumping (documentary about the children aboard the "kindertransports" that shipped Jewish kids to England to spare them from Hitler; the first-hand accounts are very real and heartfelt, but it got out of hand when some of the kids/grandkids of the survivors were telling their nightmares about Hitler...Ugh. Listen, I was never in a war or was ever made to suffer like any of these people, but I do understand one thing: if you weren't a survivor of WWII's horrors, you have absolutely NO idea of what it must have been like. NO IDEA WHATSOEVER. You don't understand it by watching Schindler's List and you don't get it by reading Anne Frank's diary. And, ironically, you don't understand it any better by being Jewish.)

2004-12-13 I'm not one of these conspiracy theorists, but 3 times in the past month have I had very similar credit card billing problems and I'm starting to wonder if this is intentional. While comparing my credit card bill against the receipts, I found no less than three separate double-charged entries across three credit cards and at three separate restaurants!! What's happening is that I'm being charged once for the meal+tip and then a separate charge for the tip and/or a separate charge for the meal without the tip. I find it hard to believe that three separate restaurants all happened to have made this same mistake; I think it's a total scam. They're relying on most people not being cheap asses like me. So, fellow cheapsters, check your credit card statements closely and we'll all meet at the 99¢ store for Xmas shopping!
Book: Anne Frank Remembered (By Miep Gies, one of the people that helped hide the Frank family; this story left me in tears on more than one occasion; it's the story of Anne Frank from outside the Annex -- and what hell it was during those dark days; I still can't believe that this happened so recently. Read this book and try to accept that this was not a million years ago; it's a tough pill to swallow.)
Movies: Rosemary's Baby (60's classic Mia Farrow/Roman Polanski horror film; extremely dated and horror-less), Finding Neverland (Kate Winslet, Johnny Depp; it's so refreshing to see something with ACTORS in it; very good film), She's the One (Cameron Diaz; crap all over), Stolen Summer (the Project Greenlight movie; OK, but has a very made-for-TV feel to it), Little Secrets (kid film; lite fun, with emphasis on 'lite'), Pat and Mike (another overrated Katharine Hepburn flick), Better Luck Tomorrow (MTV flick with 'cool' Asian kids; enough said; weak), The Santa Clause (Tim Allen; lite, predictable family holiday fare; don't expect much), Jack Frost (family film: dead dad comes back as a snowman so his kid can get closure; what's up with all these dysfunctional families?; typical), Code Unknown (Juliette Binoche; 'poetic' is a good word for this film, but, unfortunately, so is 'random'; I liked it, but I have no clue why, so I'm recommending it in hopes someone can explain it to me), A Man Apart (Vin Diesel in a Vin Diesel movie; standard cop's-wife-gets-killed-cop-loses-job-cop-gets-revenge movie), Howard Stern's Private Parts (maybe history will remember Howard Stern for the genius he really is; this really is a good film)

2004-12-01 Moron quote of the day: "I'm not spiritual or religious or anything; I mean, I believe in god, but I'm not religious."

Top  2004-11-30 OK, sorry for the lack of updates. I'm still reeling from the election and have been on a video binge (see below) lately to try to lose myself in the clueless country in which I live. America has spoken and America is truly a moron. I believe things are gonna get really bad before America finally wakes up and realizes that they handed over the controls (again!) to an idiot. I think George Bush may have bid on that virgin Mary piece of toast. Ugh. This poor world.
Movies: Sideways (Paul Giamatti is such a good actor, which is tough when you're so easily recognizable; very good film, despite Sandra Oh, who, for some reason, I just can't stand), To Catch A Thief (Cary Grant, Grace Kelly in Alfred HitchDick flick; decent, worth a look), Bonnie and Clyde (60's Faye Dunaway; great movie, but I don't think the real Bonnie Parker was that cute), Dial 'M' for Murder (Alfred HitchDick cops out with successful-play-turned-movie; not his best, but for some reason I enjoyed this more this time than I had in the past), Ray (Jamie Foxx; recommended based on Foxx's acting, which was incredible; otherwise, it's a somewhat typical biopic showing the rise/fall/rise again of the subject; this film also made me realize that the reason people like Ray Charles were so brilliant is not because of recording a bazillion great songs (Ray Charles only has about 10 truly great songs), but they're brilliant because they were able to create greatness in the times that stifled individuality (among other things); we don't understand today, because everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) is so damn easy today: technically, socially, you name it...; I'm curious to see which of today's musicians are remembered 30 years from now), First Year (documentary about first year school teachers, mostly in impoverished areas; it makes you appreciate teachers much more (they're so underpaid!) AND it makes you NEVER want to become a teacher; decent), Jersey Girl (Kevin Smith lays another turd and names it Ben Affleck; I think I'd have rather viewed a turd for 2 hours), Laws of Attraction (I really like Julianne Moore; this flick was exactly what you'd expect for a lite romantic comedy: OK and easy on the eyes), Man On Fire (Denzel Washington and the new annoying kid Dakota Fanning; this could have been tolerable (albeit utterly predictable) if it weren't for the most annoying quick edits known to a man on fire), Grand Hotel (overrated Garbo flick from the 30's), Torn Curtain (Alfred HitchDick film with Paul Newman, Julie Andrews; mostly boring), Masked & Anonymous (Bob Dylan, Jessica Lange; I didn't really get this movie, but I watched the whole thing. Jeez is Dylan getting old and I wonder if even he can understand what he's singing), The Incredibles (the geniuses at Pixar have created another cute Toy Story-like film; very good and it's further support for eliminating actors altogether), Catch That Kid (on of the worst kid's movies EVER), Reality Bites (I never tire of this flick; wasn't Winona Ryder just great for just these few films?), Laramie Project ("true" story of gay guy beaten to death in a small town in Wisconsin or Wyoming (or whatever useless state) and its effect on the town; poignant and touching in spots, but poorly acted and loses strength by the end), Envy (Jack Black, Ben Stiller; gee, what do you get when you put two of the most limited actors in Hollywood together? Give up? A completely mediocre movie.), Wargames (Matthew Broderick when he was about 10; although this movie is so completely dated, I really like it; overlook its obvious shortcomings and it makes a great Saturday afternoon flick), Cinderella Story (Hilary Duff; teen twist on the old tale; par for the course: lite, fun, aims REAL low; it'll be sad when Hilary Duff becomes long forgotten -- she seems like a nice kid), Saved (Jena Malone, Mandy Moore; even on DVD for the second time this film is still outstanding; listening to the DVD commentary by the actors also moved Jena Malone up a few notches in my book (and Mandy Moore down a few, if that's possible; a must-see, especially for religious kooks), Say It Isn't So (Heather Graham in Farrelly Brothers flick; re-watching; mediocre, again), Avenging Angelo (Sylvester Stallone, Madeleine Stowe; this movie sucked; I have nothing against Stallone and I usually like Madeleine Stowe, but this just plain sucked),

Top  2004-10-26 "Live" TV makes me sick (in our post-Janet-Jackson-nipple world). During the Yankees/Red Sox series, I noticed the young girl singing for the 7th inning stretch was singing way out of sync with the audio. The camera crew quickly cut away and never showed her again during the entire song!! Obviously they realized their blunder and tried to cover it with clips of the teams. And then, this past weekend on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee Simpson (somebody's sister) was basically caught lip syncing to her "live" set. Now I don't mind missing the cackle of either of these idiots, but I do mind being led to believe something's live when it isn't. I guess what bothers me most about it is that all these new talentless souls simply can't pull off something live even if they tried. It also bugs me that the networks are such pussies that they don't dare go live after the Janet Jackson thingie (no pun intended). Ugh, American media. Go vote.
Movies: Motorcycle Diaries (haunting road trip (via motorcycle) in the early 50's through South America by a doctor and a biochemist in their 20's; you'll sit quiet the entire film and just let it seep into you), Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (why the accolades for this movie? It kinda sucked), The Big Bounce (more Owen Wilson playing his standard role; the hooters on the video cover were just a tease for this crappy flick)

2004-10-25 I finally made it up to the Storm King Art Center in New York to see Andrew Goldsworthy's sinewy stone wall and view some of the other outdoor sculptures. Since it's an outdoor museum covering 500 acres, we brought the pup along, but poor Phredh had to stay in the car the whole time. Anyway, the Goldsworthy wall was worth the wait -- I could've spent all day staring in awe, but after viewing the rest of the collection, I realized (yet again) that most art is crap. I think art, to be successful, has to separate itself from randomness. I mean, it seems so formulaic to "create" some random pile of junk, give it some "meaningful" title like "Mon Pere" (that's 'my father' in French, for you idiots out there) and then make it HUGE so people take notice and give it waaay more credit than it's due. There was so little creativity displayed in much of the collection that I wondered how they got Goldsworthy to participate. What's amazing to me, too, is how many of the visitors may not have even picked up on the fact that Goldsworthy is on an entirely different plane that these other artists. Maybe for their next exhibit, they should take a 6 year old's popsicle stick sculpture and supersize it to 40 feet tall, call it "Lost Innocence" or "A Child Alone" and watch the morons flock to it. Ugh, artists.
Movies: Murder, My Sweet (old film noir; good, not great), The Asphalt Jungle (very good film noir; early Marilyn Monroe appearance), The Kid (Disney kidflick; fun, even on second viewing)
Music: Dean Martin - On an Evening in Roma (Come bella cella luna... - very much sticks in one's head)

2004-10-20 Alright, fine, the Red Sox won despite being down 0-3 in a 7 game series. The Yankees totally sucked in the last four games, but it made for some enjoyable viewing and, truthfully, all credit goes to the Red Sox for playing better baseball (although I still think Pedro's a pecker). They can still blow the World Series and reinforce the "bambino curse", but I won't be watching because I just don't really care. Wouldn't it be funny if the Red Sox won it all and then they put a curse on the Yankees and then the Yankees couldn't win for like the next 75 years? I'd laugh, but I still wouldn't care. There's just something "funner" about the Yankees winning, but I guess that's what fair weather fans like me can't explain.
Movies: Raising Helen (Kate Hudson; she is very cute (in a Goldie Hawn way) and this was a pretty obvious flick, but it fed me in the right way (no brain/no drain movie))

2004-10-11 So it's Yankees/Red Sox time again. Love 'em or hate 'em, the Yankees are going to win LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO. The Red Sox, despite having a consistently great team, are perennial losers to the Yankees, just like Patrick Ewing's Knicks were to Jordan's Bulls. I think it's best if Boston fans don't get their hopes up and just accept that there is no curse; your team just can't beat the Yankees. (Of course, when the Red Sox win the World Series, I'll sing a different tune, but for now my money's on the Yankees.) Personally, I could care less either way. Hey, isn't it time for another Presidential debate? I'm thoroughly enjoying these and I'm just waiting for the "you're no Jack Kennedy" moment...please let it happen. Vote NOTBUSH in '04; well, at least vote, you deadbeat.

2004-10-10 Here's what I hate about movie previews: when they show you the ENTIRE film in a nutshell and they preview a movie 6 years before it's due to hit theaters. I'm thinking of this stupid "National Treasure" movie with Nicolas Cage. Sure, I'll probably see it because I watch every freakin' movie on earth, but I still have a right to whine.
Movies: Ladder 49 (John Travolta and one of the Phoenix kids not named after water; good film that was exactly what I expected -- a lot of camaraderie and grief and a constant reminder of 9/11), The Alamo (Billy Bob Thornton; overdone/underinteresting), The Girl Next Door (I enjoyed this, but I really can't stand it when a girl who's playing a porn star is never once seen nude; it's just plain annoying because it'd be completely unnatural for the character to be so uptight about nudity; if you don't want to be nude on film, then don't play a freakin' porn star), The Human Comedy (Mickey Rooney; overly preachy WWII small town flick), Shadow Of The Thin Man (William Powell, Myrna Loy; idle flick in the 'Thin Man' series; good, lite entertainment; I love how in these flicks they show Myrna Loy forever in evening gowns in their palatial mansion and living the high life, like any working stiff can relate)

2004-10-06 Howard Stern announced that he's moving to satellite radio in January 2006 due to his problems with the FCC. I don't blame the guy one bit, but I think it's a bad move. I, for one, do NOT want to pay for radio. I understand that satellite radio is commercial-free (a feature which I love), but I can't see paying to hear a guy talk. Don't get me wrong, I think Stern is awesome and I believe people like him should be allowed to exist on public radio, but I think his move will not only strengthen the FCC's control over what we can hear, but I also think it'll finally start his eventual fade into obscurity. His strength, now, is in numbers and quite frankly, most people are too cheap or lazy to embrace these new technologies, so they'll just stop listening to him (they can always go to his newsgroup and download his daily rantings). Anyway, good luck, Howard, (as you are obviously reading this) -- we'll miss you.
Movies: Along Came Polly (cute, but more of the same old Ben Stiller role from Meet The Parents/Something About Mary/Etc...), Private Buckaroo (Andrews Sisters; typical WWII boost the troops' morale with song flick), Confidentially Yours (Truffaut's last film; a very good film noir that still surprises me that it was done so recently, as it has the feel of a much older film), Bed of Roses (Christian Slater; total chick flick about a perfectly broken girl and the perfect Mr. Right who stumbles into her life; I liked the premise -- it could have made a great old film with Jimmy Stewart, but they sort of ruined it with too many complications), No Way To Treat A Lady (Rod Steiger, Lee Remick; dated 60's flick, but well done for its time), Hold That Ghost (Abbott & Costello; I never understood how Abbott & Costello became famous with their completely contrived routines and that overdone "who's on first?" routine; this flick added to that confusion; it was basically an extended Three Stooges episode, without the underrated Larry Fine)

Top  2004-09-30 Who are these people that collect wheat leaf pennies and state quarters? Are their lives so drab that this is what delivers their excitement? Ugh; I'd rather be dead. Speaking of money, why doesn't the US print each denomination of bill in a different colour? You know, so we (aside from the colour blind) can quickly discern a $20 bill from a $50? Also, they should be in slightly different sizes, too, so blind people can tell them apart. I believe England currently employs both of these measures and it makes it real easy to tell the bills apart. Go figure, since England had that screwed up pre-decimal guinea/shilling/crown/farthing currency system for so long.
Movies: In The Cut (Meg Ryan's attempt at an erotic thriller; kudos to Ryan for being topless, but none to the filmmakers for doing such a mediocre job), This Gun For Hire (Veronica Lake, Alan Ladd; good film noir that could have been great (especially with Veronica Lake in the cast); worth a look), Courtship Of Eddie's Father (the movie that inspired the TV show; Glenn Ford, Shirley Jones, Ron Howard; totally dated film, but an easy watch and some scenes make me realize how talented young Ron Howard was. There's even a scene with a then 2 year old Clint Howard, making you also realize how Ron looked out for his brother even back then), Lady For A Day (Frank Capra film; typical Capra-esque far fetched but pleasant movie), Tightrope (Clint Eastwood in a non-Dirty Harry role playing, well, a Dirty Harry type cop; OK), The Core (completely incredulous premise having a spaceship enter the earth's core to detonate an explosion that will right things on the surface; done better than its premise would imply, but still just another action film)

2004-09-21 How come I've never heard the term "saturation coverage" before and now I'm seeing it everywhere? The media makes me sick; they have to invent a term for everything, including their own MAJOR flaws. I'm so happy I don't watch TV or read newspapers -- I don't see how any of you idiots can take that daily numbing of your senses and killing of your imagination. Ugh; it's just crap. Expand your life; go to the public library and borrow some old movies or some CDs of bands from the 1930's or pick up a bestseller from 50 years ago -- it's all free!! It's time, lambs, to BE LIKE MICHAEL. Why, you ask? Simply stated: I rule.
Movies: Shane ("Shane, come back!!"; very good western from 1953; worth seeing, but keep in mind it's still a western), Little Murders (dated 70's bizarre social commentary play-turned-movie that I enjoyed, despite its age; the flick was a commentary on NYC random shootings, which I guess were topical at the time the play came out, but bear little or no significance today (not because they've stopped, but because we're used to them!)), Godsend (Greg Kinnear, Robert DeNiro; scientist DeNiro clones a couple's recently killed 8 year old son, only to have the clone child become evil after reaching his 8th birthday; great idea for a story and a LOT of jump-out-of-your-seat thrills, but overall has many unrealistic holes; good for a scare if you ignore these; also, the 5 alternate endings on DVD have at least 2 that worked better than the one they chose)
Music: Helen Kane - Boop Boop A Doop (complete 78 recordings) (this is a must own for all my "fans" -- I loaned them the cover photo and I'm thanked in the liner notes -- Yeeha, I'm somebody. FINALLY!!) Purchase it here.

2004-09-18 I caught a debate on talk radio about breastfeeding in public. There were several callers who defiantly breastfeed their babies in public and there were some that considered the act intrusive (if they were "forced" to view it). I don't know, this world is a strange place. I've always thought people need to keep their personal business their own and not display it in public, but I can't see how public breastfeeding can be considered offensive, provided that mOm is at least attempting to be unobtrusive about nursing and isn't one of these militant morons who's out to make a statement. I also think it should be limited to mothers and their babies and should explicitly EXCLUDE adult males (however, adult females are freely allowed to participate). Burger King, I believe, has a policy that allows breastfeeding in their "restaurants". I just wonder if the policy's fine print accommodates two gay guys that may want to begin a "nursing" ritual...? It'd make a good goofy lawsuit if it doesn't address it. That stated, here's my curious thought of the day: do vegetarians consider breast milk an animal product?
Movies: Y Tu Mama Tambien (excellent flick done in a similar style to Amelie (using narration to expose the underlying meaning); the title is pure genius, but you won't get it until you see it, so get off your PC and go rent/buy it NOW), Character (decent foreign film about evil dad/bastard son at odds throughout their life; very well acted), Hidalgo (good (true) story of 3000 mile horse race across some desert; predictable outcome, but enjoyable nonetheless), Starsky & Hutch (another typical Ben Stiller vehicle...mostly lame), My Own Private Idaho (jeez Keanu Reeves sucks as does this movie), Kiss of Death (Nicolas Cage; this was just as lame as "Gone in 60 Seconds", which was filmed the same day), Monsieur Ibrahim (very good film with a dumb ending that could have made it a great movie)

2004-09-12 I've been studying a spider outside my den window (we named her "Charli" after the chick from Charlotte's Web). She spun her web across the window frame to catch those bugs that fly near it toward the light source (ingenious). Anyway, each day she spins a fresh web for the day's catch, and it got me wondering if she thinks of this ahead of time. Does she lie in bed thinking "ahh crap, another day, another web, when will this life end?" or does she just go through the motions each day without regard to her position in the world? This stuff fascinates me. It also makes me realize how damn lazy human beings truly are. Go spin a web and shut off your stupid TV.
Movies: Touching The Void (Mountain climbing near-death true story; interesting fight for life story, but these guys are just insane), Veronica Guerin (True story of Irish reporter killed by the drug dealers she was trying to expose; it's always a shame when a reporter gets gunned down, but it's also commonplace which begs the question why bother?), The Big Knife (Jack Palance oldie; big disappointment; plays can't/shouldn't be made into films), 13 Going On 30 (dung, but you knew that), Out Of The Past (1947 Robert Mitchum film noir very much worth watching, if not only for the dialogue), My Darling Clementine (Henry Fonda western; OK, but westerns are rarely better than that), IFC Presents the 70's A Decade Under The Influence (this series sucked majorly except for presenting the fact that Star Wars and Jaws are what ultimately ruined films for good by introducing the concept of targeting films at box office receipts without concern for a producing quality films; this ended the era of great movie-making, although a rare gem somehow pops up here and there)
Music: KISS - Alive II (when they were kings of the pop world; I still thoroughly enjoy Paul Stanley's voice which stands out so far from such a mediocre band)

2004-09-08 Do dumb people know they're dumb or are they too dumb to know?
Movies: Cinema Paradiso (wonderful and beautiful film made the way films should be made), Fog of War (boring film about the Cuban Missile crisis, which is about as relevant today as the "Paul is Dead" stories), Wicker Park (completely unrealistic tale of a guy/girl trying to regain contact after losing touch; the whole story becomes nullified since an email or follow-up phone call could have eliminated all the confusion; Diane Kruger is stunning in this), Dorm Daze (leave it to National Lampoon to ruin the surefire formula of a teen comedy; utter crap), Sordid Lives (I think this was meant to be funny, but I failed to see how; Olivia Newton-John as a tough chick didn't work in Grease and worked less well here (this is the movie that had the "get off your cross; we need the wood" line)), Ghosts of the Abyss (James Cameron's return to Titanic's wreckage; amazing footage, but it's really still such a tragedy and too bad that the weight of footage as this is taken for granted today when everything seems possible), Kill Bill 2 (NO, I didn't pay for this; part 2 was more of part 1, only with more filler; why this couldn't all have been one film only leads me to believe that those involved are a bunch of greedy MF's out to rob the ticket buying public. The only good scene in here was Uma poking out Darryl Hannah's eye; otherwise, filler crap and overlong)
Book: How to Eat Fried Worms (kid book; OK to pass the time)

Top 2004-08-31 The problem with everything today is that you have all these extreme idiots (the "omigawds") that can't formulate a sound basis for their argument on the topic in question. For example, these moron vegans that throw up their hands in disgust over anything related to meat, while they happily wear their leather shoes. Also, these Bush haters -- they're so extreme in their hatred that the point of Bush being an imbecile gets lost in their display. It's really too bad because a lot of these people (vegans included) actually can make a substantive stand on their side of an issue without leaving you with the desire to strangle them. I don't know, I like to live and let live provided you don't jam your BS down my throat (this may explain why I want to strangle so many christians...?). Anyway, my favorite new line is "get off your cross; we need the wood."
Huh, huh,...I said, "wood."
Movies: Peyton Place (dated and made tame by today's onslaught; enjoyable nonetheless for that time when its themes were actually shocking), Let's Make It Legal (Claudette Colbert, Marilyn Monroe; another lite early Marilyn flick), The Proposition (Madeleine Stowe, William Hurt; well acted, but overly twisted plots and subplots added up to: Ugh.)
Music: Metallica - Garage Days, any version (this is Metallica before Lars pissed everybody off and James fought his inner demons; they're a much better band when they were just a band and not a business)

2004-08-27 So now every idiot in the tri-state area is heading into Manhattan to protest the Republican National Convention...and for what reason? To let the Republicans know that their chosen candidate is, well, an imbecile? I have neither concern nor interest for any of these morons (on both sides); I'll be stating my opinion in a voting booth come November and I suggest you do the same.
Movies: Perfect Score (MTV Film...'nuff said; lame), We're Not Married (early, forgettable Marilyn Monroe film that under-utilized Ginger Rogers and, well, Marilyn, too), Fools Rush In ("dumb" is the best adjective I can use to describe this movie that comes complete with every relationship flick cliche (the guy popping the champagne cork when the hot chick walks in the room, the aging, wise grandma who tells you to follow your heart, the break-up and utterly predictable make up, ugh, ugh and more ugh...; that Salma Hayek sure is one hot tamale, though. (did I just type that?))
Music: Patsy Cline - Sweet Dreams Soundtrack (it's absolutely amazing what they did with these re-recordings; they breathed such life into formerly bland recordings of one of the greatest voices of our times)

2004-08-24 Patsy (our eldest cat) died today; she was 17 and her little kidneys gave out. She died in my lap at the Vet's office. I cried all morning. We buried her little body in a plot next to OSKR's grave.
Movies: Garden State (I could/should have made this film; many autobiographical elements and done well, Let's Make Love (average Marilyn Monroe flick, but she's good in it), Master & Commander (Russell Crowe; I enjoyed this, possibly because it somewhat reminded me of Das Boot, a far superior film; this is also the first current film on DVD that has NO special features...??), Hope Springs (Heather Graham in lite, crap chick flick), Taking Lives (Angelina Jolie; could have been good, but falls far short), Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (this is the single greatest motion picture I have ever seen in my entire life...well, not so much, but I mysteriously enjoyed this (and learned new phrases like "yikes-a-bee"))

2004-08-17 It's time to get serious, now. I have this terrible fear of this November's election outcome; how's this sound: Bush 48%, Kerry 46%, Nader 6%...? Sounds scary, doesn't it? Listen, Nader idiots, Nader ain't winning bupkis, so why cast a wasted vote? And here's the truly scary part: if Bush wins in '04, here's our '08 scenario: Hillary vs. Cheney, and, trust me, even the morons who may vote for Bush ain't votin' for Cheney and, thus, Hillary wins in '08 and my life becomes pure hell. See how important your voting privilege is? And, while on the subject of politics, who really cares that NJ Governor McGreevey's a homo, other than these whacked out christians? Aren't we past thinking that gay people are sub-human and can't we just accept that this is just the way things are and all the gay people on earth are NOT going to all just disappear one day and never return? Christ, this talk makes me ill.
Movies: Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen (I like Lindsay Lohan; if she survives the teen/adult transition, I think she'll do some decent things; this flick was lite fun), Belles On Their Toes (Cheaper By The Dozen (original) sequel; OK, but very dated at this point), Marilyn Monroe - The Final Days (DVD with MM bio and restored first 20 minutes of "Something's Gotta Give", her final film; it's really tragic about MM; I truly enjoy her films and I really do think she's underrated as an actress. True, she was lost, lonely, confused, etc at the end, but she left behind a great body of work.), Collateral (Tom Cruise's latest boring ass flick, but you knew that already 'cuz Tom Cruise sucks turds through a straw), Paths Of Glory (Kirk Douglass; WW I film about the French army; different and decent), Wild Strawberries (Ingmar Bergman; thoughtful, well done foreign film about an old man's memories as he nears the end of his life), Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House (Cary Grant; typical 40's/50's comedy about NYC ad-man's move to the suburbs; like an extended sit-com), Gingerbread Man (Robert Duvall; unlikely and lame crime story), The Donner Party (PBS documentary about fated emigrants of 1846 who resorted to cannibalism to survive; I don't know why, but I always thought the Donner Party was about that Rugby team in 1972 who basically did the same as the real "Donner Party"; maybe it was the constant comparisons made at the time that confused me; in any case, this documentary could have been great if Ken Burns did it; the pacing was too slow and it needed much more highs and lows; for such an interesting story, I think they could have done better), Never On Sunday (Greek 1960 film; this film totally grew on me as it progressed; the main character is awesome and the film, although lite on plot, was captivating. Remind me to steal some of it for my film.)

2004-08-10 OK, lambs, I must confess. While driving a few days ago, Shania Twain's "Man I Feel Like A Woman" came on the CD player (purely by accident, of course). Anyway, the volume was set pretty loud as it was a nice sunny day and perfect for driving with the windows down and the stereo up. Long story longer: I laughed uncontrollably (behind the wheel) when I realized that I was actually completely embarrassed by this situation. Not that I give a crap what the other drivers within earshot may have witnessed, but I felt so naked in public. Well, the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun. Yeah, I'm due...
Movies: The Triplets of Belleville (I guess I didn't really get this flick; I'm not a big fan of "real life" cartoons (I want talking dogs and such), but I found this tres slow and the lack of dialogue made it drag; I think it could have made a great 15 minute film, though. Isn't that ironic?), Night And Fog (disturbing documentary about the abandoned German concentration camps with archival footage of the prisoners' suffering interspersed with present day films of the same locations; sure to cause nightmares or else you must be cooler than I), Cheaper By The Dozen (1950 original; much less comic than the 2003 remake; OK), Freeway (Reese Witherspoon; modern version of Red Riding Hood, complete with drive-by shootings, molestation and prostitution; fun for the whole family!), An American in Paris (Gene Kelly; I like Gene Kelly - he can dance and sing, but his flicks are generally boring boy/girl struggles peppered with overlong dance numbers; this was alright, but extremely overrated on critics' Top 10 lists)
Music: Shania Twain - Man I Feel Like A Woman ("...men's shirts, short skirts, whoa-oh-oh..."; come on, admit it, it's infectious)

2004-08-06 Does anybody on this planet understand one shred of "Stairway to Heaven"? If there's a bustle in my hedgerow, I'd fling a big freakin' rock in my hedgerow and put an end to that bustle. ...And, what the hell does the sign on the wall actually say? I realize sometimes words have two meanings, but this song has baffled me for decades. Maybe it's a Star Wars thing. (Except I like Led Zeppelin).
Movies: Red Dragon (this is the prequel to "Silence of the Lambs", although it's essentially the exact same film; well acted), Savage Sam (Disney 50's film touted as a sequel to "Old Yeller", but had nothing to do with it; by today's standards, this would be considered violent and derogatory (Indians as stereotypical as can get); other than that it was OK at best), Kaaterskill Falls (independent film; bad), Cold Mountain (I think I like Nicole Kidman, but this was a bit boring), The Incredible Hulk (2004 version; as light as this was, I thought it was technically brilliant; the story isn't that great, but the extra features made me appreciate this much more), Against The Ropes ("Meg Ryan" have become two words that have become synonymous with "bad film"; she didn't disappoint; out of character for her to be tough, cuz she isn't), Scary Movie 3 (all the best parts of this parody were in the trailer; cute, but really just crap)
Music: June Christy - Shoo Fly Pie and Apple Pandowdy (my new favorite song; "...makes my tummy say, 'Howdy'"), Eurotrip OST - Scotty Doesn't Know (the idea behind this song is pure genius (in a teen movie vein))

Top 2004-07-31 I saw a preview for an upcoming martial arts movie from the Crouching Dragon guy; it's more of that done-to-death, tired Matrix-style special effect that, quite frankly, isn't that special anymore (as though it were when it first came out!). I'm realizing that films are rapidly becoming less human and more computerized with these silly special effects. What I mean to say is that when they make a movie nowadays, they shoot a lot of the scenes with the actors standing against a green/blue background and then essentially Photoshop the actors into the scenes. Even the most trivial stunts are performed with little danger beyond a sprain and then the scene is finalized using digital effects software. Today, even talentless morons like Cameron Diaz can look good on film. What's happening is that because there is less reliance on an actor's skill, the films are suffering. What we get now is movies that can sustain a thrill only for the film's duration, but no lasting value beyond the box office season. This is a plea for filmmakers to stop using the computer as a crutch and get creative again; go out and find some of those talented no-names that will make your film great. I wonder which of today's movies will be remembered in 50 years as classics. I'm betting few to none, although I'm sure Ben Affleck will be the subject of a "His Life in Film" episode in 2025. Ugh. I can't wait until Hillary becomes President.
Movies: I, Robot (Will Smith; decent, not great action flick; story is awesome), Napoleon Dynamite (this independent flick kicked butt, but I have a soft spot for loser characters and kids getting hit it the face with a slab of beef), Turner & Hooch (Tom Hanks; the only reason I wanted to see this is because it was this film that inspired the makers of Toy Story to use Tom Hanks' voice. OK, but Hooch DIES.), Bourne Supremacy (Matt Damon; I like Matt Damon, maybe because I hate Ben Affleck so much; this type of action movie works great in July in theaters, but I couldn't vouch for it outside of that scenario; I enjoyed it), Freddy Vs. Jason (Not even cute-but-doomed-to-relive-Alicia-Silverstone's-post-Clueless-demise-Monica-Keena could boost this celluloid crap), City of God (overrated boy-makes-it-out-of-the-horrible-slums story; brutally violent but very well shot and uses some interesting film techniques)
Music: Lone Justice - This World is Not My Home (OK compilation of a once great band; includes some live versions of songs that used to have melodies, but now they're performed with this stupid stop and start approach that so many bands utilize to ruin great songs that they're tired of playing live ("Sweet, Sweet Baby" is what I'm referring to))

2004-07-23 Anyone else wanna bet that Britney Spears will attempt suicide in the next year (following her fall from "grace"). I don't know, but I'm proud to be an Okie from Muskogee.
Movies: Sweet Smell of Success (Tony Curtis, Burt Lancaster; 50's noir film with snappy one liners ("I'd hate to take a bite outta you; you're a cookie full of arsenic") and stark B/W photography give NYC at night a worthy look), Muriel's Wedding (I don't care if this is a total chick flick, it's good)

2004-07-18 While watching a Van Hagar live DVD, I realized that all bands have but a small window in which they peak and all their greatness is limited to this window. On this DVD, Edward Van Halen plays the same damn solo he's been playing now for over 25 years. Don't get me wrong, the guy is brilliant, but it'd be nice to hear something, uh, NEW, and it'd be real nice if the new stuff didn't suck so badly. When was the last really good Van Halen song...1986 ("Dreams")? They've had some OK songs in the past few years, but Van Halen used to be great and fresh and inventive. Now they're just another average band. David Lee Roth used to say that Van Halen's first album would melt any other albums it came in contact with and he was right; it still does. Unfortunately, that was in 1978 and nothing they've done since holds torch to their first effort. I never thought I'd see the day that Van Halen would basically be reduced to a nostalgia act like these poor 60's bands whose concert posters list the song(s) they're known for, since most people remember the songs and not the band. I always thought Van Halen should have done a "NO SOLOS" tour; god knows that Ed could use a break and, trust me, no one would miss that ridiculously dumb, amateur bass solo of Michael Anthony nor the drum solo of Alex Van Halen (underrated drummer extraordinaire), that follows the pattern of nearly every stupid masturbatory drum solo ever played. What's so painful is that they're capable of so much better than what they're currently doing. It's just plain sad. Can someone please forward this to EVH for me? Thanks. OK, I'm done.
Movies: The Misfits (Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe; this film is just plain beautiful; Marilyn is awesome in her final complete film and an aging Gable still comes through in his last film), The Dreamers (I liked this more than I thought I would, but it's a throwback to "Jules et Jim" and a slew of other French new wave flicks, but I think that's what the director intended; it's fun, bizarre and slightly disturbing in parts), Matchstick Men (Nicolas Cage; I'm not yet cool enough to refer to him as "Nick Cage", but if I were that cool, I'd tell him he's a good actor, but he can't seem to pick an appropriate script), Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (whiny Napster killers' documentary shows beyond the making of their latest CD St. Anger; some insightful clips, most notably the Dave Mustaine interview, but mostly just a look at the turmoil and tension that make most rock bands, well, rock bands; worth a look even if you hate Lars for killing Napster), Bring It On Again (sequel to "Bring It On" cheerleading flick; pretty lame and had that "straight-to-video" look and mired in teen-flick cliches)

2004-07-14 Lambs, I had an altercation at a movie theater; here's the lowdown: some dingbat woman's cell phone starts ringing in the middle of the movie and instead of sheepishly and apologetically silencing it like any normal human being (over 16) would, Mrs. Ahole 2004 decides to take the call. Completely appalled, annoyed and ready to kill, I loudly smack the back of her chair and say, "oh, c'mon, give me a f%&#king break, take your f#@$king call outside!" Stunned, she gets up, calls me a "piece of trash", goes out to the lobby to take her call, returns 5 minutes later and screams at me, "don't you ever kick my chair again". OK, whatever. Anyway, when the movie lets out, MR. Ahole (husband of Mrs. Ahole 2004) is waiting in the lobby for me, demanding I apologize to his wife. I tell him that I have no intention of apologizing and that I thought his wife was incredibly rude and selfish and, if anything, I thought she owed the rest of us and apology for disturbing the movie. She started screaming in the background about having a sick baby at home, at which point another patron shouted "hey lady, we don't care about your baby; we came to see a movie!" Anyway, since they didn't get their apology and it easily could have gotten really stupid, they both left. I felt rather proud that I didn't give in to this selfish SOB and I like to think that I silenced him with my reply to his demand, but, let's face it, I'm sure he's told 100 people about this encounter and, sadly, I'm sure I'm the a-hole in the story because I must not care about sick babies. Whatever. Selfish people totally make me sick.
Movies: Mutiny On The Bounty (Clark Gable; not bad classic version of famous mutiny; most interesting it the included documentary on what happened following the mutineers' settlement on Pitcairn Island), CAMP (C-R-A-P; FAME with less famous people), Spiderman 2 (silly action flick that totally hits the mark for summer movies; I wonder if Kirsten Dunst has a "nipple clause" in her contract...?), The Notebook (boring chick flick that's been told 1,000,000,000,000 times already; decent acting, but what a stupid premise for a film; decent acting and likable (if flat) characters, but story is as unoriginal as it gets), The Rules of the Game (Renoir supposed masterpiece; OK, but very overrated; scratch this off my wanna see list)

Top 2004-06-29 So this Michael Moore flick "Fahrenheit 9/11" is finally out and it's opening a lot of eyes. I really enjoyed the movie, but I'm kinda growing weary of Michael Moore, and this is only my third or fourth Moore film! I'm so tired of his incessant references to Flint, Michigan that go way beyond the "my hometown" angle; it's becoming distracting and if there's one thing I hate, it's being distracted while watching a movie. To Mr. Moore: if you love Flint, MI so much, then set up shop there and only hire Flint, MI grads on your staff and invest all your money there and hold your movie premieres there and maybe, just maybe Flint's economy will turn around from its unfortunate past. There another movie coming out this summer called "Michael Moore Hates America" and in the trailer they show a clip of Moore declining to participate in 'anyone else's film' (at the request of a 45 minute interview); it's really funny how things change when HE'S the target. Anyway, as far as F911 goes, we know that all the Bush haters are gonna go see it and love it unconditionally, but I think it's important for every American to go see it (especially the Republicans) and get a glimpse at who's currently in charge, because it's more than a little scary. I think that theaters across the country should play this movie for free for the last two months leading up to this year's election. At this point, I think if you can still vote for Bush, you can only be moron or from Texas; I leave it to you to decide if there's a difference.
Movies Eurotrip (EUROCRAP.), Fahrenheit 9/11 (Michael Moore film that shows what a dolt George W. Bush truly is; a must-see if you have any interest in America's future, although it definitely has the Michael "Flint, MI" Moore slant)

2004-06-22 Cyndi Lauper's birthday is today; she's one of those people that HATES being asked her age. She's 51. You know, people get hung up on the strangest things; thank goodness I have NO hangups whatsoever.
Movies: The Terminal (Tom Hanks; I went to this expecting it to totally suck; it actually wasn't that bad and I credit Tom Hanks' acting for that; the plot is completely unrealistic and most of the scenes are ridiculously farfetched, but, despite this, it wasn't a bad flick), The Big Tease (silly movie about a Scottish hairdresser who mistakes an invitation to watch to the "Platinum Scissors" competition for an invitation to compete; some very funny bits), Dodgeball (Ben "sameroleineverymovie" Stiller; OK, there was nothing else playing and I was craving a flick; you get what you expect: some silly humour and Ben Stiller being, well, Ben Stiller)
Music: Black Sabbath - Vol. 4 (Sabbath was so great in the old days; they created that raw eerieness that has no present-day rival, including (especially) any of Ozzy's latest garbage)

2004-06-17 What an unbelievable past couple of weeks; Reagan's week-long funeral that must have wreaked havoc on Nancy's aging body (I got choked up over her "goodbye" to her husband) and then the long-awaited, much enjoyed thrashing of the LA Lakers by the Detroit Pistons (let's see how long it takes before the players/coaches start departing the team). And then the beheading of that American hostage just plain sickened me. Y'know, no one wants a war, but when you see things like this all you can think of is squashing these asses into the ground where they can never rise again. I don't know... I hope the victims family gets through this OK. You'd think maybe the freakin' press could leave them alone for at least a couple days...? On another tragic note, a friend of mine died (cancer) last week; she was in her young 40's. She was, simply put, a very sweet person (one of about 2 dozen I've met in my life) and left behind a husband and son (about 6 years old). I just can't imagine how horribly her death has impacted their lives. It just seems to work out that way; a-holes live forever and the good ones die so young (although I liked Reagan and he died old). Anyway, my thoughts are constantly with her/her family. Thanks, god, for your great "plan"; what's next, infanticide?
Movies: M*A*S*H (original film; I hated the TV series, but used to like this movie; not so this time; it bored me to tears and got ejected about 1/2 hour into it), Clerks (I love the dialogue; too bad Kevin Smith sucks now (Jersey Girl? ...Ugh.); this plays great as an audio tape of just the soundtrack -- "no time for love, Dr. Jones"), Radio (yes, that Radio; Cuba ("koo-buh") Gooding plays a retarded kid in his attempt to garner an acting award; what he's left with is a nice story about a coach helping out a kid; it was palatable, but set your expectations appropriately), Saved! (if I were to make a film (hey, it still may happen!), this is about where I'd aim: teen comedy with many digs at religion thrown in; very good teen flick; I thoroughly enjoyed it), Winged Migration (bird film; there are some absolutely amazing images in this film, but there's nothing holding it all together save a narrator who, although speaking English, has little command of the English language; may be good for kids)
Music: Ultravox - Quartet/Rage In Eden (Midge Ure has such a great voice; too bad America never understood this band; then, again, maybe that's a good thing)

2004-06-08 For the first time in my life I'm on a sorta diet: NO fast food, NO pizza and NO soda for one year. It's not necessarily for health reasons (although clearly that's going to be one of the massive perks), but it's designed to train myself to avoid the laziness that defines the American diet. I don't want to be lazy about what I eat -- Burger King is just too convenient and I don't want to become part of the lazy obese masses that frequent BK/McDonald's/Wendy's/Etc... So far, so good; I've been eating more fruits/vegetables and have (god forbid) spent more time in the kitchen actually preparing food (hey, PBJ sandwiches may seem like little to some, but I'm proud of myself). It's White Castle I'm going to miss the most.
Movies: The Missing (Tommy Lee Jones, some woman; watchable western with Tommy Lee Jones playing the same character he always plays, except this time he has long hair), The Day After Tomorrow (Dennis Quaid; I loved this completely predictable action flick (isn't that redundant?); decent premise, unbelievable (read: impossible) odds and some likeable (read: totally flat) characters made this an enjoyable afternoon), Bless This Child (Kim Basinger; dull ripoff of "The Omen", except it's a little girl instead of a boy), This Is Not A Love Song (enjoyable independent DV film titled after the PIL song; the chase of two men after their sort of inadvertent murder; some very funny moments in a mostly tense flick), The Third Man (Joseph Cotten, Orson Welles; overrated film has some beautiful B/W photography, but it kinda bored me), The Nanny (foreign flick about a wet nurse in France at the turn of the century; not bad, but nothing to write belikemichael.com about)
Book: Sin In Soft Focus (film book about the days of the Production Code that governed decency in motion pictures; eye opening (and not just because of the pictures of thingies); well done book, but has little relevance today except to dinosaurs like me)

2004-06-07 Why the hell is Eisenhower on a coin? I mean, most of the other currency/coin presidents have some historically accepted significance that is common knowledge. Ike, on the other hand, is way more recent and most of us have no clue what he'd done that warranted his profile on a nickel. They need to introduce the "Hooters" nickel instead.
Movies: Free Willy (OK, I've hit bottom; this actually was exactly what I expected; decent for kids), Sunset Blvd. (Gloria Swanson, William Holden; WOW, what a great film this is; I've seen it many, many times and it's still in my top 20; so many great scenes, wonderful screenplay and a cameo by Buster Keaton ("He Speaks") to top it off; truly a must see film.), Harry Potter 3 - The Prisoner of Azkaban (although this was the best book in the series, these films are just getting worse each time; this was OK, but the formula is getting old by now (as are the "kids")), Tootsie (Dustin Furniture, Jessica Lange; Jess is one of my favorites and she's not too intense in this one; lite comedy, but enjoyable flick, no matter how much Dustin annoys you),

Top 2004-05-31 OK, Shnooks, it's time to quit whining about the current President and get off your butt and register to vote. You can check the web for state applications or contact your County Clerk or even register to vote online (all states). If you're crying about this stupid Iraq war, you need to register. If you're a female, then based solely on the fact that a bunch of women historically had whined on your future behalf, you need to vote. And if you don't care (or are too cool to care), then you need to either leave the freaking country (because you may end up being my neighbor one day, you lazy SOB) or shut the hell up with your stupid political opinions because you can't even run a household, much less the country. You lazy SOB. Yeah. Go register, NOW. Besides, jury duty ain't that bad (and you may even get paid, like, in CA$H!!). (I guess I should also add the footnote that if you really do love Mr. Bush, then your day to vote has actually been moved to early December, so ignore all those notices you receive about the November polls.)
Movies: Super Size Me (guy goes on an exclusively McDonald's 30 day diet, much to the dismay of his internal organs and overall health; a must see), The Wild Bunch (classic western; very well done even though westerns, well, suck), Silence of the Lambs (Jodie Foshter; somewhat enjoyable upon re-viewing, but not at all scary and very overrated, though Anthony Hopkins is really good as Hannibal; maybe someone can explain how Hannibal, completely strapped in, was able to get the pen off the five-foot-away table...?)
Music: Rush - Permanent Waves, Moving Pictures albums (I don't care if Geddy Lee sings like a muskrat and they're from Canada (which is generally a sure-fire indication they suck), these guys, at max volume, are awesome. After the 2nd Live album, their creative flair just seemed to leave them quicker than Van Halen's 3rd singer and they haven't really done anything decent since (come to think of it, neither has Van Halen)... at least we still have their early stuff.)

2004-05-23 Does anyone else get as annoyed as I do by those inane condom ads: "...this is sex with an ordinary condom" <<insert kazoo sound here>> "...and this is sex with an XYZ condom" <<insert symphonic crescendo here>>. Ugh. Uh...yeah, whatever. Listen, if you're basing your condom choice on a musical comparison, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place since a moron like you is much more likely to have an "oops" baby and thus spread your pathetic gene pool into future generations, ruining not only your life, but the life on some unsuspecting mate and, worse, an poor, innocent unborn kid. Damn, I love life!!
Movies: Shrek 2 (OK, it's formulaic and overly cute, but there were some very clever bits to this kid-flick; enjoyable; take a kid to see it), Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? (Tony Randall in his only noteworthy non-Odd Couple role, although he's basically playing that same role he always plays; bonus is Jayne Mansfield's thingies and Frank Tashlin screenplay (in that order)), Wife Vs. Secretary (Clark Gable; very idle oldie), The Plastic Age (Clara Bow silent; typical silent Bow flick, but it never ceases to amaze me how she can illuminate a room with her presence; it's truly a shame how her career ended)
Book: The Day The Laughter Stopped (Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle rape case of the 1920's; great book detailing the three trials which ultimately ended in Arbuckle's acquittal. The trial, however, eventually destroyed the career of one of the great silent comedians as he, although found completely innocent, was chosen by the film industry to become the poster child for Hollywood excess and indecency and Arbuckle was made to take the fall. The aftermath of the trial is now legend and Arbuckle's body of work (no pun intended) has been all but forgotten save for a few diehards (and Buster Keaton fans). There's a biopic in the works on Arbuckle's life and film career, so hopefully now the world will award him his proper place in film history. FYI, in a 1917 short film "Rough House", Arbuckle spears two dinner rolls with two forks and moves them like legs dancing -- a trademark gag credited to Charlie Chaplin, although Chaplin didn't use it on film until seven years later.)

2004-05-17 Ugh. This May 19th gas boycott has to be a joke or else this is the stupidest thing i've ever heard of. The idea is that every moron in America is supposed to not buy gas on May 19th to "stick it to the gas companies". Idiots: don't you realize that the only way to "stick it to them" is to stop using gas? Try biking to work or taking mass transit, or, god forbid, WALK. Haven't you figured out that when every idiot fills up his tank on May 18th or 20th, the net gas sales are gonna be exactly the same? With the boycott, you'll create longer lines at the pump and create an animosity between gas stations and consumers that may result in even higher gas prices. Stop whining. In England gas is pushing $6.00USD a gallon and the limeys ain't crying. Consider this: let's say the US raises gas prices to $6.00 a gallon. What will you do -- stop driving? Cancel that road trip? Carpool? Yeah, right... you'll do nothing but bitch and moan about the high price of gas while you and every other idiot on the road sits alone (on your widening butt) in your gas guzzling oversized car listening to some crap boy band or slutty teenage belly-shirt pop "diva" chick on the radio while the lame-ass Howard Stern wannabe DJ also whines about gas prices, not realizing that your whole point of turning on non talk-radio was to tune out the real world and listen to some music. This is about as retarded as having everyone hold their breath at the same time to save air. Freakin' stupid a-holes.
 
I have a much better idea: how about on May 19th, every imbecile with email STOP FORWARDING STUPID CRAP LIKE THIS TO EVERYONE IN THEIR ADDRESS BOOK? What the hell, let's go wild and continue it through May 19th, 2099!
 
SEE YOU AT THE PUMP!!
Movies: Somewhere I'll Find You (Clark Gable, Lana Turner; boring Gable as war correspondent flick with one good line: "...the world ain't round; it's the heels that walk on it." I don't understand this line, but I like it.)
Music: Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti, Led Zeppelin III (despite Robert Plant's incessant whining (like I've got room to talk), this band just ruled. "What did you bring me, my dear friends, to keep me from the Gallows Pole?")

2004-05-10 Just for kicks every now and then I call one of my friends on my FAX machine just to hear their clueless "Hello? Hello?" come over the FAX machine's speaker. It totally cracks me up.
Movies: The Stepford Wives (Katherine Ross original version from the 70's, not the remake that's about to come out; eerie tale of unnaturally subservient wives in small community; could have been much better, but it's about the equivalent of a Twilight Zone episode. Why they remade it, I've no idea), No Man of Her Own (Carole Lombard, Clark Gable; idle 30's flick, but I need the variety in my life. What's your excuse?)
Music: Partridge Family - Best of (I'm serious -- David Cassidy kicked butt; this is AM melodic throwaway 70's pop at its best. Too bad Reuben Kincaid and Danny never got along. It's also too bad Danny Bonaduce grew up to be Danny Bonadouche-ey. "Point me in the Direction of Albuquerque" has to be one of the longest song titles in history. I Think I Love Me.)

2004-05-07 So all you freaking no-life losers tuned in to watch the Friends finale. Just great. Proudly, I have not witnessed one second of this show, and yet I know it's trash. Well, it's finally official: you losers now truly have no Friends. Gee, maybe you can fill in the empty time reading a book or learning a foreign language or helping the handicapped or learning to play an instrument or writing a story or doing some situps or planting a garden or drawing a picture... anything but parking you widening butt in front of that stupid idiot box. Ugh.
Music: John Lennon - Best Of (compilation) (Like everyone else, I felt Lennon was the genius in the Beatles and I made this tape a while back and, at the time, I was thinking how awesome he was even after the Beatles broke up. Listening to it now made me realize that his solo stuff was basically watered down easy listening junk. None of it has an edge and more than ever it's completely dated.)
Isn't it ironic how "easy listening" music is the hardest to listen to?

2004-05-03 I witnessed the coolest thing on the road recently: it was bumper to bumper traffic most likely due to an accident and I saw two cars speed up on the shoulder only to merge back into traffic at the last possible moment. I hate that crap. Anyway, about 20 feet beyond where these 2 women drivers had "jumped" the queue of traffic, a policeman was standing and waved them over to the shoulder. As I watched them pull over, I could only seek guilty pleasure in the thought that they were going to be pistol whipped for such a selfish maneuver. My vote is for the electric chair; we don't need any more of you in this country.
Movies: Mean Girls (Heathers ripoff, yes, but this was still very good. Lindsay Lohan should not wear short skirts, though), Normal (Jessica Lange; I don't understand why this film was made, but being a Lange fan, I watched it anyway; it's an irrelevant story of a 25 year marriage disrupted by hubby's sex change operation -- now how many times has this happened in your family? It was better than I thought, but I thought it was going to completely suck)

Top 2004-04-29 Why the HELL are the number keypads on computers upside down from the ones on a phone (phones have 1-2-3 across the top and PCs have 7-8-9 across the top)? This simple idiotic inconsistency cause me about 20 typos a day. On another typo causing note, I saw a chick this week who was wearing the best T-shirt slogan I've seen in a while; it said "The only Bush I trust is my own". I'm still laughing. I want one for myself. Now go out register to vote you losers, uh, lambs and make your insignificant voice heard. Oh, yeah, "Mean Girls" comes out this weekend -- it looks like an updated Heathers and it better rule or I'm gonna punch you.
Movies: Tommy Boy (Chris nowdead Farley, David Spade; yeah it was obvious and yeah it sucked, but it was still fun to watch), La Femme Nikita (OK bad-girl-gone-good tale with one incredible scene of a wise-ass interrogator getting stabbed with a pencil), Shadow Of A Doubt (Alfred Hitchdick film with Joseph Cotten; very atypical Hitchdick flick based on Thornton Wilder story; could have been much better, but very watchable), San Francisco (Clark Gable; decent movie about the quake of 1906, but it could have done without all the god crap; I never understand why no one, after surviving a disaster such as an earthquake, ever prays to god thanking him for killing hundreds of people. Whatever.)

2004-04-22 We can dance if want to; we can leave your friends behind. Because your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.
Movies: Walking Tall (The Rock; just what you'd expect: a made-for-TV flick on the big screen), Hysterical Blindness (Uma Thurman, Juliette Lewis; suburban losers Thurman and Lewis in, well, a boring movie; ironically, Thurman plays the more screwed up chick for a change), Saratoga (Clark Gable, Jean Harlow; idle 30's flick with mild appeal due mostly to irresistible Gable and those large ears; I don't care if he plays the same role over and over, he just makes you wanna hang out with him; horribly bad theme song is a bonus and being Jean Harlow's last film (she died 8 days after filming) adds to the curiosity factor)
Music: Van Halen - Van Halen II (ultimate album, even if Ed's guitar sounds hollow; many underrated tunes, like "Outta Love Again")

2004-04-13 How the hell does one pronounce IRAQ these days? I grew up hearing it as "eye-rack", but now that we're all buddies, it seems that "err-rack" and "ear-rack" are just as common. I'm so mixed up. I think I'm gonna Kill Bill.
Movies: All the Real Girls (boring independent film; little merit and no hooters), The Shape of Things (this has a "surprise" ending that I didn't care for (not for the obvious reasons), but I really enjoyed this film otherwise; the Rachel Weisz character is excellent (especially in the opening/museum scene);if nothing else, it's sure to start conversations)

2004-04-10 HE IS RISEN! OK, I have a query for you: name one major line of American consumer products that does NOT have to report their ingredients on their packaging. HE IS RISEN! Give up, it's beer, you fools. It seems so bizarre in today's peanut-allergy-addled nation (that didn't exist when I grew up) that beer makers don't have to report the crap that goes into the bodies of those dumb enough to ingest their product. I don't get it. (read more here). Today's FDA is up in arms about ephedra (the ban of its sale goes into effect next week) because some baseball player OD'd on it and then they look the other way when it comes to beer's use/abuse. Maybe it's just another Big Business victory? Who knows. (By the way, ephedra related deaths clock in at less than .01% of the deaths/injuries caused by alcohol consumption.) Now I'm not saying to ban alcohol, I'm just saying there should be some consistency. Actually, I say don't ban anything -- including (but not limited to) pot, prostitution, drugs, Milli Vanilli, speeding, etc...no, wait, I'm all for banning idiocy (myself included). Let the people govern what's legal and maybe we can do away with some of the violent crimes associated with the illegality of some of the above.
He is risen, indeed; Viva Miguel, Viva Miguel!
Movies: The Postman Always Rings Twice (Original 1946 version; why can't they make film noir like they used to? These films were so great: full of dames, drifters, murder and greed and filmed with such beautifully stark black and white with shadows in all the right places; it's another part of Hollywood's past that is gone), Darling (1965; idle British swinger chick Julie Christie in an Academy Award winning performance that I just didn't get; it was OK at best, but completely dated), Cold Creek Manor (Ugh, what crap; not one legit scare in the flick, and Sharon Stone is looking more like Hillary Clinton every day: Ugh squared.), Good Boy! (kidflick with a dog from outer space; probably fine for kids, but set your sights really low if you're an adult)
Music: Judas Priest - Hell Bent For Leather (a propos for an easter weekend?)

2004-04-06 Kurt Cobain blew his head off 10 years ago this week. I was a big Nirvana fan at the time, but they're so irrelevant today. Their three chord grunge of yesteryear didn't hold up well now that the Seattle music phase is past. Pearl Jam's still cranking out albums (which I respect), but even their stuff totally sucks now (which I don't). They're calling Kurt Cobain a "visionary" now...Ugh. His greatest achievement to date is that he knew when to call it quits and did so with a bang. If only Courtney Love could take his lead...
Movies: My Architect (great film about Nathaniel Kahn's search for himself via the legacy of his famous dead Architect father, Louis Kahn; builds slowly, but perfectly, and what starts out as a seemingly lost fortysomething's identity crisis unfolds into a beautiful tale with much deeper meaning), Amazing Panda Adventure (kidflick; not so amazing, but the baby pandas were kinda cute), My Boss' Daughter (dude, would someone tell Ashton Kutcher where his car is so he can drive off the planet and stop making godawful movies? ...and can he please take Tara Reid with him?), Brother Bear (kidtoon; utterly predictable lion-king like tale (which was a ripoff to begin with), but it's bears this time), Goldfinger (Seanery Connery as James Bondage; what a great Bond flick; it has all the gadgets, schemes and chicks to make it still enjoyable today), Saboteur (relatively unpopular Hitchdick (Hitchcock) film that's a little watered down, but I like it anyway)
Music: EBN-OZN - "Bag Lady" (remember these idiots from the 80's? Their other hit was "A-E-I-O-U (sometimes Y", but it sucked))

Top 2004-03-26 When did used crap become "pre-owned"? Speaking of crap, how about this upcoming Presidential election? I think they should just put "Not Bush" on the ballot, since "Not Bush" is easily gonna win. I'm not sure about this Kerry guy, but it really doesn't seem to matter. It makes me so proud to live in a country that I can honestly say "it doesn't matter" about a presidential election. And all you lazy asses out there who've been bitching about the way this country is being run, at the very least get off your butts and register and vote and then SHUT-UP if your guy doesn't win. It's the only chance you get to have your say, that is, unless you sleep with the president or have a hit song or can hit a jump shot or have been in a popular movie, because, of course, then everyone wants to hear your opinion.
Movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Kate Winslet, Jim Carrey; this was my most wanna see'd movie so far this year and it didn't disappoint; Kate Winslet is awesome, but you knew that already, but so is Jim Carrey who thankfully seems to have retired Ace Ventura's facial contortions at last. Great concept for a movie, well acted and deep in all the right places), Secret Window (Johnny Depp; sometimes (mostly) Stephen King stories suck; this was one of those times; overrated, although Depp is good), House of Sand and Fog (Jennifer Connelly, Ben Kingsley; damn that Ben Kingsley can act; he totally made this movie), Johnnie English (with that Bean guy; this was a Pink Panther/Naked Gun ripoff, but it had some cute scenes), Manpower (1940's Marlene Dietrich film; has the obligatory Dietrich leg shot (woohoo) and unfortunately the obligatory Dietrich song (boo), but the tradeoff isn't necessarily worth it; mediocre film typical of the period), Cheaper By The Dozen (Steve Martin; obvious family flick with one hilarious scene involving a kid with a bucket on her head)
Book: A Mathematician Reads the Newspaper (a great idea falls flat; a mathematician gives his perspective on how the news media uses (and abuses) statistics to enhance their reports; some excellent examples, but not enough to hold one's interest throughout. Unfortunately this book would be most enlightening to those who would likely never pick it up.)

2004-03-19 I went out to Los Angeles recently, having not been there in about 10 years. What I find amazing about the entire Los Angeles area is that the whole place revolves around celebrity status. I don't just mean the people in the industry, I mean every freakin' person out there is obsessed with stardom. If they're not trying to make it on their own, they are managers or agents or photographers or just everyday namedroppers, but it's wild. They don't realize that there's no substance whatsoever behind this place. All great Hollywood happened years ago and was often based on actual talent. Now it's all based on pretty faces and scandal and smokescreens hiding largely talentless, shallow personalities behind plastic surgery smiles. An entire community thriving off of yesteryear's achievements. It's like the lost children who've inherited the family business. Thank goodness for some of the talented few, and I don't mean Julia Roberts or Ben Affleck. The weather was awesome, but I'll still take Manhattan, rain, snow, humidity and all.
Movies: Committed (Heather Graham is so perfect playing an airhead that I have to believe she's not acting. She's also great at playing a chick with cool thingies.), Spartan (Val Kilmer; a turd by all measures; uneven, uneventful and poorly done; David Mamet tends toward sucking), Miracle (story of USA vs USSR in 1960 Olympic Hockey; you know the story and you know the outcome, but sometimes these flicks are still enjoyable, as this was), Runaway Jury (John Cusack; I liked this movie, not a whole lot, but I did like it), Clueless (Alicia Silverstone in the only role she ever could play; despite her in-your-face-animal-rights garbage of late, I still find her excessively cute in this flick. It's not illegal when it's a video, right?)

2004-03-01 I believe the real passion of the christ is Skittles® and plushies (not necessarily in that order).
Movies: Pieces of April (slow starting, but very good independent film -- rent it NOW; I want Patricia Clarkson to be my neighbor so we can hang and do tea/ginger snaps), Le Divorce (Naomi Watts, Kate Hudson (whose character claims she's a 34B, but my guess'd be 24A); there are about 200 different hairstyle changes in this ultra lame garbagey flick; uneven characters you don't care about and zero plotline sum to 0 stars out of anything greater than 0 stars), My Life Without Me (this was actually pretty good; another independent film fares well, despite its convenient resolutions)
Music: Meat Puppets - Backwater (this song reminds me of OSKR; it was a walkman favorite while walkdogging. Lake of Fire, Plateau and I'm a Mindless Idiot all deserve honorable mention)

Top 2004-02-25 What the hell is up with Ash Wednesday? A bunch of morons go and get their foreheads dotted with an ash cross because jesus died on a cross? Ugh. What if jesus died bungee jumping? Would you then get an ash bungee cable drawn on your forehead? Or how about if j.c. died while doing Mary Magdalene? Would every christian then wear a "stiffie" necklace instead of a cross? Now, don't get me wrong here, I don't mean to offend anyone; I mean to offend EVERYone. Get over it. Nice DOT, ash-hole.
Movie: Second Hand Lions (Robert Duvall, Haley Joel Osment Jingleheimer Von Rippy Etc; I really like Robert Duvall as an actor. This flick was OK, but the ending really sucked. On the DVD, they show an alternate ending which was much better, but still needed work. These movie-makers should hire me to fix their mediocre movies.)
Music: Van Halen - For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (jeez these guys suck without David Lee Roth; I wanna like it, but it's just so average)

2004-02-24 Gay marriage? I'm all for it, because who really cares anyway? Let's face it, if two consenting adults wanna get hitched, who's being hurt? These religious fanatics have to realize by now that, like it or not, homos are here to stay. If you want to get up in arms about something, rally to keep the streets safe and protect women and children from abusive situations and let adults be adults and then gather to see the new christ movie and rave about how FABULOUS it is. Bless that Mel Gibson. Yeah, whatever.
Movies: Warning: Crap-Movie-Fest ahead... Daredevil (Ben Affleck (my fave); just when you thought movies couldn't get any worse, Ben lowers the bar even further...utter crap), Uptown Girls (Ugh. Simply, Ugh.), 50 First Dates (this movie stunk; more Sandler formula filmmaking -- see Mr. Deeds entry below)

2004-02-20 What amazes me about people is how they will isolate one specific characteristic of a particular group of people and apply it to any situation to support them in an argument. For example, idiot vegans will cite that "...the human body was not designed to digest meat..." or some similar silly argument to push, of course, veganism. OK, fine (if it's even true), but after 10,000 years of evolving, we (mankind) can and do eat meat/dairy products and we now walk upright and we've lost our tails and we dig hooters and we eat anything that comes wrapped in brightly colored paper and we waste hours upon hours online and we take pills for everything under the sun....SO THERE. It's a stupid argument. It's like when people say that the French drink plenty of wine and have lower heart attack rates than the US. Idiots: one doesn't necessarily cause the other and they may not even be related; they're just both present. For my money, I'd rather have a heart attack than be French any day.
Movies: Mr. Deeds (Adam Sandler, Winona Ryder; god I hate Adam Sandler; more formulaic filmmaking: one scene with Adam screaming in pain/anger (always uttering "you're sick!") only to smile at the end of the rant and one scene with a set-up would-be mugger situation where the mugger gets mercilessly beaten...; Winona looked good (I like her, but maybe it's a Heathers bias))
Book: Horatio's Drive (this is the text that was a companion to the Ken Burns film about the first transcontinental car trip of 1903; beautifully done with many original photos; you have to read this or at least see the film. It makes you wonder how anything can ever be amazing anymore)

2004-02-09 You know my name ain't "Baby"; it's "Michael"! "Miss Jackson" to be nasty. You Zapruder film.
Movies: Like Mike (hey, it's my site -- it was inevitable I'd eventually watch this; cute, predictable kid flick), Girl With a Pearl Earring (I really liked this, but I'm not sure why), Forrest Gump (The ads for this read: "Gumps. Hanks." and based on that I refused to pay to see it in theaters; it's actually not a bad movie and I totally enjoyed hearing the absolute WORST John Lennon impersonation on record! The JFK one was hilarious, too, but so is JFK's real voice; I could listen to that all day), Shackleton IMAX (very good IMAX presentation of the first Antarctic crossing -- the other film (reviewed here 1-30-2004) is also very good)

2004-02-03 When will the world realize that the entire Jackson family are media whoring publicity sluts? Who cares about Janet's flash -- it's only a boob. For those offended, I think it's just desserts for tuning into a media circus like the Stupid Bowl. What did you expect? There's no such thing as bad publicity; ask any Jackson.
Movies: Image of an Assassination (A New Look At The Zapruder Film) (this, for you clueless souls, is the film of JFK's head getting blown off; the digital edit of this film is incredible and well worth a viewing), The Abyss (Ugh, what crap...abyss-mal at best), The Guru (Heather Graham; you know, Heather Graham's hooters can only distract so much from horrid movie making -- this is the measure. Damn, she's cute), Lost In Translation (Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson; I enjoy this type of plotless flick, but I hesitate to recommend it because the word "overrated" (which has become synonymous with Bill Murray's acting ability) springs immediately to mind. I did like it though. However, like John Travolta (aka "Vinnie Barbarino", Bill Murray is not to be taken seriously; I keep expecting him (as Todd) to be giving Lisa Lubner (Gilda Radner) noogies...), It Runs In The Family (Michael Douglas and every Douglas currently out of work; utter crap, but I really like Bernadette Peters, even though she's never made a good movie other than The Jerk)

Top 2004-01-30 What the hell does "props" mean? I know it's some sort of acknowledgement of respect or praise, but where the hell did it come from? Is it an abbreviation? Is it an acronym? Do all the people that speak this word really belong in jail? Maybe it's a black thing and I don't understand. While you're at it, can someone please explain to me how this Queen Latifah gets so much "props"? Ugh.
Movies: Shackleton (TV flick about 1914 South Pole expedition; well acted, well made and worth a glimpse), Empire Records (a few good lines/scenes, but overall kinda weak), Seven Samurai (1954 Kurosawa flick highly praised by film community; I didn't get its appeal; it was OK, but at 3+ hours, it was hardly worth the time)
Music: Too Much Joy - compilation (these guys were one of the great average bands (like that makes any sense)

2004-01-24 That "Horatio's Drive" documentary I commented on a few days ago is still stuck in my head. What's so amazing about it is the way things have just, well, changed. Nothing is amazing anymore. No event from the most grisly murder to any measure of human endurance or ingenuity raises an eyebrow. Everything seems to have been done. The only thing people seem to get excited about these days is celebrity bullcrap and TV. Ugh. I'm gonna start a campaign like a "smoke-out", but it'll be a "TV-out"... No TV nor celebrity news for a week. Will America survive?
Movies: The Butterfly Effect (Ashton Kutcher; this was pretty good, but I swear I kept expecting Kutcher to say, "Dude, where's my journal"; it's good for a few chair gripping scares), Freaky Friday (2003 remake; aside from the obvious plot (formula), this was really good (I hang my head in shame) for what it was), League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Shhhean Connerhhhy; thish totally shucked, Mishter Connery), View From the Top (Gwyneth Paltrow; lame)

2004-01-20 It's bitter cold in Manhattan today and I'm walking the city streets doing errands. In my walkman is the "My Fair Lady" movie soundtrack on random/repeat play and it fits well with my surroundings. I scurry into the White Castle on prestigious 5th Avenue (isn't that ironic) for lunch -- it's as satisfying as ever; steaming Castles on a cold day. After lunch I head into my old Post Office. At the counter, I ask the woman behind the counter how she's doing. "I'm blessed", she responds. It completely made my day. I then bopped all the way home in step with "Wouldn't It Be Loverly". I love New York.
Movies: Something's Gotta Give (christ how annoying Diane Keaton can be; I now realize how she and that pecker Woody Allen had relations, despite their non-familial ties: they're probably the two most annoying actors on earth; unrealistic feel good flick that's exactly what you expect. If you've seen the preview, you've seen the movie. go see Calendar Girls instead), Horatio's Drive (PBS documentary about first transcontinental car trip in 1903; beautifully done and awesome, especially in its historical significance and the underlying themes of personal pride and progress), True Crime (Alicia Silverstone; true crap), Antwone Fisher (Denzel Washington; not bad "true story" about an orphaned blackfrican American kid searching for his family), Sophie's Choice (Meryl Streep; I didn't really get this film's appeal, but Meryl Streep was very good in it, I thought)
Book: President Kennedy Has Been Shot (re-telling of Kennedy Assassination through the journalists who covered the event in Dallas. Interesting, but not as telling as one viewing of the film footage of both the motorcade and Oswald's murder (TV's first live murder!)... get a video instead)
Music: My Fair Lady - Movie Soundtrack 9the one where Audrey Hepburn didn't sing (just loverly)

2004-01-16 Sorry, lambs, for the lapse -- things're busy here. I got another visit from one of these annoying bible thumpers pushing (well, thumping) their trash. Can someone tell me if/where the bible says "live and let live" so I can be like them an just yell "John 3:16" (or whatever verse) at them when they come by? I have no problem with anybody believing what they want, but I wish they'd please stay away from me; it's invasive, rude and quite frankly, condescending as HELL. Quietly pray for me within the confines of your own private HELL and MOST OF ALL, do NOT tell me that you're praying for me. It's like telling someone aloud that you're not talking to them. And may you rot in heaven when you're through. See you on the other side!! "Party 8:15"!!
Movies: In America (Irish family emigrates to the Bronx; well acted), Christmas In Connecticut (Barbara Stanwyck; cute 1940's flick, lite on plot, but good once a year), Paddle to The Sea (I remember this from school days; about a kid's hand carved wooden canoe that he places atop a mountain in the winter and, as the snow melts, the canoe naturally makes its way out to sea. It was just as cool now as it was then.), Disney's Robin Hood (OK for kids, I like the Roger Miller opening song), Gangs of New York (long boring suckfest), Gods Must Be Crazy II (this film, like its predecessor, rules; good for kids: go rent/buy it NOW), Monster (Charlize Theron (sounds like a phrase: "charlize, there on the counter is my book";not bad, they made her look real ugly for the part, but the problem with the flick is it's about a hooker who killed a few guys, and outside of the first victim, you can't empathize with her for the rest; she's just a messed up chick killing guys; mildly interesting, but a movie plot should have more depth (or more hooters) than that).
Music: It's time for a good ol' "doubt religion" songfest, so here goes: Eve's Plum - Jesus Loves You (favorite religious line: "...they say I'm damned to hell; well, I'll be damned."), Jewel - Sometimes It Be That Way (favorite religious line: "...I'm sorry that jesus died for my sins and I swear to god it won't happen again."). Add Tori Amos' line from Father Lucifer: "how's your jesus christ been hangin'" and my personal favorite from Elton John (he's gay, so all good christians want him dead) from Levon: "jesus blows up balloons all day" (ok, it's out of context, but the visual that that line evokes is just too funny: picture jc on the cross trying to inflate one of those long, thin balloon animal balloons without the use of his hands... alright, fine. sick and twisted, but funny.)

2004-01-03 Happy New Year! Lots of movies this past week -- mostly lame, but what do you expect? To all you dieters: instead of counting carbs, why not try counting sit-ups?
Movies: White River (dumb Antonio Banderas flick), One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Always great, even after all these years), Last Samurai (Tom Cruise; not bad, but exactly what you'd expect), The Man Who Cried (Johnny Depp playing, surprise, a gypsy!; OK), Owning Mahowny (movies about gambling are stupid, even when decently done), Rose Red (Stephen King; long, boring and not at all scary, like most of Stephen King's movies), What Happened Was... (well...nothing happened, but the script was pretty good; this would have made a good short story, but should not have been made into a film), Eloise At The Plaza (I really hate when they make a great book into a movie, but I have to admit they did a good job here; good if you're an Eloise fan), Calendar Girls (Lite and predictable but enjoyable in a "Full Monty" way; some granny boobs for the pervs), Lion King (Another Disney overrated film; OK at best, but a complete rip-off of "Kimba the White Lion" the old cartoon from the 60's -- see comparisons here)
Music: Short Music For Short People (Compilation)... "I'm being tortured, I'm in a cherry orchard, but I can't pick one...not a happy man" (Sheer friggin' genius)