2003-12-27 Xmas come and Xmas go. I saw some good movies, got some new toys and slightly revived a slumbering Scrooge. I still like Xmas and all, but that grade-school spirit is definitely gone. I think all these religious nuts ruined it for everyone by trying to spread this ridiculous message about christmas being anything more than exchanging gifts; ask any kid, he knows (not to mention the insane shoppers). These ungrateful under-20's haven't helped matters either. Don't these kids understand how GREAT they've got it today? If it ain't a Playstation 2 game, don't bother giving anything without a receipt or a heft pricetag. And isn't it too funny how the term "Xmas" pisses off christians to no end? I'm going to start calling them "Xtians". And that, Mrs. Kallabash, is precisely the "reason for the season". Ho ho ho.
Movies: Big Fish (surprisingly good since Tim Burton's sucked so bad in the past), Mostly Martha (offbeat, but enjoyable (albeit different) flick), The Deer Hunter (Robert DeNiro; nothing like a hostile game of Russian roulette to celebrate christmas; a forgotten gem), Finding Nemo (Number one DVD, blah, blah, hype, blah and more hype...it's a fun movie), Rushmore (Even better the second time), The Incredible Mr. Limpet (Don Knotts; dated, but worth watching once every 10 years)
Music: If I hear that cursed 12 Days of Xmas song one more time I'm gonna strangle someone.

2003-12-23 Jeez how Vince Neil (of Motley Crue) whines like a cat in heat mixed with fingernails screeching across a chalkboard...who ever gave this guy a job behind a microphone oughtta have his ears examined. (...and didn't he kill a guy and walk?)
Movies: Morverna Callar (This easily could have been one of Kate Winslet's films, but it starred Samantha Morton (one of the pre-cogs in Minority Report); I enjoyed it), Christmas Vacation (re-viewing; mildly funny), 21 Grams (Sean Penn; the title is stupid (and misleading; it's not about drugs), but what a great film! I really like Sean Penn's acting; he really made this film work. Go see it, full price), Blood Simple (Early (First?) Coen Brothers movie; not their best, but much better after having not seen it in years; the last line is classic...), Safety Of Objects (This was like "American Beauty" meets "Nashville"; alright, but I don't like these films that try to intertwine peoples' lives with some stupid thread that's supposed to make you care (when you just don't); Jessica Campbell plays a confused kid; she kicks ass as an unhappy, world-hating kid (as in Election and with the right script, she could be awesome)
Broadway Show: Rent (One thing about Broadway musicals is that their songs sound exactly the same (with different words) and their stories are basically the same and all the singers' voices are interchangeable, but I still just really enjoy seeing them. I think that makes me "metrosexual", whatever the hell that means...?!?)
Music: the only xmas songs I can still bear are: Billy Squier - Xmas is the Time To Say I Love You, the Pogues - Fairytale in New York, Kate Bush - December Will Be Magic Again (it's officially the "season" when this hits the CD player), The Waitresses - Xmas Wrapping, and probably a few more I can't recall...

2003-12-18 I can't believe how these movie companies funnel tons of cash into such crap films as listed below. It blows my mind that someone actually reviews these scripts and gives the OK and we schmucks end up and the theaters. I need a creative outlet; I really do. Check this site in 2004 for some output or scour the site for remnants of my sanity and notify the officials.
Movies: Stuck On You (this could have been another Dumb and Dumber, but it was too dumb and anything Cher touches seems to suck by definition (including that monstrous plastic surgery) Ugh), Bad Santa (Gee, Billy, can you say "one joke flick"?; mostly unfunny and 90% of the audience was black, for some bizarre reason), Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle (don't even ask why this was viewed; it's 2003 and these ditzes have every technologically advanced optic device at their disposal, but they can't replace that pile of crap 1970's speakerphone? Ugh. Cameron Diaz is about as flat as an "actress" can get (both figuratively and literally); Lucy Liu, ugh, what a no-talent; and regarding Drew Barrymore, well, I have a weakness for screwed up chicks in flicks, but she HAS to stick with the screwed up characters; she can't cut it as a "normal" chick, much less a superhero; this is probably in the bottom 20 worst films ever made)

2003-12-11 Nothing bellows "White Trash" louder than having one of those ridiculously large inflatable Xmas decorations in your front yard. I'm outta here to go see "Bad Santa" -- that oughtta put me in the xmas mood...
Movies: Casual Sex? (now dated (no pun intended) idle 80's flick that's good for an idle evening and little else), Trouble In Paradise (1932; another idle flick that defined an era of idle flicks), Blow Up (1966; I don't get films like this; they're heralded as 'masterpieces' and they just, well, suck. I guess I just didn't get it)
Book: Guitar World Presents Van Halen (Contains all the Guitar World magazine interviews with Edward Van Halen from the 80's and 90's. It's interesting to read how he's changed over the years and how he hasn't. The guy is absolutely amazing, even if he hasn't produced an album in over 6 years.)
*with this entry, I realized I've not been updating my latest reads. Too bad; you lose.

2003-12-06 What the hell is up with "bonus tracks" on NEW CDs? I can understand when an album finally makes it to CD and they add a few tracks that weren't on the original release, but what the hell is a "Bonus Track" on a new release: a track that they weren't going to include a week ago, but at the last minute decided to include? These marketing tactics piss me off. If they want to get creative, why don't they start putting two albums on each new CD release, since virtually all old Beatles, Van Halen, KISS, etc albums were all less than 40 minutes each and would fit nicely on a single CD (80 minute capacity). Christ, even the Sh&tbirds CD is only 28 glorious minutes and could easily double up with Sergeant Pepper's.
Movies: Liam (depression era Liverpudlian kid caught up in poverty, religion and the pain of growing up; why does every UK film depict the class struggle? Despite that, it's a decently made film), The Suburbans (crap; ripoff of the much better That Thing You Do), Shanghai Noon (JackieChan playing JackieChan and Owen Wilson playing Owen Wilson -- two overrated actors in their predictable roles), The 10th Kingdom (boring overlong (it's 7 hours) TV caliber fantasy epic that makes you realize why fantasy films just plain suck)
Music: Simon & Garfunkel/Paul Simon compilation (I don't care if this guy's a geek and if Art Garfunkel has the weakest male singing voice in recorded history, Paul Simon can write some great hooky pop songs. Call me a fag, but I'd rather be a hammer than a nail.)

Top 2003-11-26 I never know how to respond when someone tells me about a "vision" they had. Of course, they're full of crap and they're just desperately grasping to something that they can't let go, but I just don't know how to respond. I usually politely listen and say, "wow...", but I'm sure I have that "yeah, right" look on my face (as well I ought!). These "visions" invariably involve a lost grandmother (who, by the way, is always the sweetest, coolest person and, fyi, EVERYONE loves their grandmothers dearly; that's just the way it works). I don't know, I think it's another case of idiots believing in garbage simply because they want it to be true. Now...back to my vision of inexpensive movie tickets for quality films in restored movie houses with Uma Thurman and Kate Winslet as my personal ushers... I tell, it's so real I can feel it. Whatever. Happy Thanksgiving!
Movies: Imitation Of Life (Lana Turner; 1950's extremely dated flick, but has some nice shots of Coney Island in color), I Cover the Waterfront (Claudette Colbert; 1930's; weak, but at least it wasn't a cop film), Rabbit Proof Fence (very good "true" Incredible Journey-like story of three young Aborigine girls who, in the 1930's, escaped from their captors and traveled 1200 miles through the desert to get back to their mother. You know the ending, but it doesn't matter; it's a good film, anyway), Loser (Jason Biggs and that chick that's in every movie ever made with "American" in the title: Mena Suvari; idle, lite fun about loser Biggs trying to fit in at a NYC college), Buster Keaton/Fatty Arbuckle Collection (A collection of Buster's short films before he went out on his own; You know, they had 3 guys, a girl and a camera and made some incredibly clever and enjoyable short films whose ingenuity holds up 80 years later. Buster was truly a genius.)
Music: The Clash - Misc compilation (I hate when people say that the Clash was overlooked, underrated, etc... They weren't the Beatles, but they were a decent band. Their version of I fought the Law kicks ass.)

2003-11-21 Why don't movie characters ever end their phone calls? They just hang up mid-conversation; it's so unnatural. It just bugs me. And, speaking of bugging me, what ever happened to Peter Billingsley, the kid from A Christmas Story ("Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle")? He never returns my calls... that Ralphie... Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, lambs.
Movies: Hollywood Homicide (Harrison Ford; silly, stupid cop movie), Petrified Forest (Humphrey Bogart, Bette Davis; idle 1940's gangster flick/love story...slooow), The Station Agent (independent flick; WOW, this was the best film I've seen all year. It illustrates how a great film can be made by NOT falling into every movie cliche and not really having a story, but just being very well constructed. Go see it.),
Music: Cyndi Lauper - At Last (I really hate when talented singers take the easy way out by doing a "career reviving" album of standards (read: guaranteed hits), but this girl truly can sing. The recommendation comes for two reasons (because I don't really like the project): 1) I'm biased and 2) It's well worth a few listenings.)

2003-11-18 I'm so sick of seeing a TV set every damn place I go I wanna start hammering them. Now they're in cars...Ugh. It's no wonder that no one has an imagination any longer. Turn the damn thing off and go learn a musical instrument.
Movies: Outlaw Josey Wales (Clint Eastwood; I love the line when Clint kills two wannabe bounty hunters and his partner asks if they should bury the bodies and Clint replies: "...nah; buzzard's gotta eat, just like worms." If I were only that cool...), Sweet Home Alabama (Reese Witherspoon; lite fun, nothing great except for the line about questioning the phrase "you're sh%tting me"), Borderline (Gina Gershon; lame), Levity (Billy Bob Thornton, Holly Hunter; OK, but sorta on the lame side)

2003-11-11 Isn't it too funny that we live in a society where cops have to hide behind bushes or embankments so they can catch you speeding? It's so laughable how lame that is. My vote is to remove the speed limit from all 55 mph and higher zones and just let people speed (like in Europe) and drivers will just naturally tend toward a norm. Then the cops can be used for something a little more worthwhile, like protecting our lives.
Movies: Elf (Will Ferrell; this is one of those movies that are decent while you're in the theater, but don't last with you 10 minutes past your departure from the theater; some very funny scenes, but overall it sticks too closely to a Brendan Fraser movie formula with the oddball introduced into the "modern" world; wait for the video), The Pelican Brief (Julia Roberts, Denzel Washington; OK and too long; nothing noteworthy here, like ALL Julia Roberts movies...and Denzel Washington's, too, for that matter)
Music: The Sh%tbirds - Famous Recording Artists (chick garage band with a 28 minute CD that contains 15 songs; short songs rule!)

2003-11-09 Has anyone ever heard of Elliot Smith (I thought he was the guitarist for The Cars)? Well, I never have and now he's dead and people are saying how talented he was. I tell ya, lambs, the way to make a KILLING in America is to put out a mainstream CD by some fictitious band and then fake the band's death. People, for some reason, credit the recently dead with much more than they're due than while they were alive. I've heard it a hundred times: "...I never knew Kurt Cobain had such a nice voice... John was ALWAYS my favorite Beatle.... who knows what Jimi Hendrix would have done had he lived long enough to tune his guitar...". Whatever. John was my favorite Beatle, though, although George was close second.
We're the Kids in America, Wo Oh.
Movies: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Overrated fictional account of drag queen Hedwig & his rock band (adapted from the Off Broadway play); there were some very good things in this flick, but the songs were very mediocre and overlong and I think the film was visibly full of itself (a point confirmed in the DVD special features as the filmmakers kept telling the story of how Hedwig was created, like it were some stroke of genius), Mad Love (Drew Barrymore; I like messed-up-chick movies as well as road trip flicks, but not particularly this one; it was just OK), Collateral Damage (Arnold Schwarzenegger; overlooked terrorist-themed action flick whose plot loosely resembles 9-11 (and coincidentally was scheduled for release October, 2001); well, you buy Arnold, you get Arnold and all the predictability that comes with him), Pelle the Conqueror (Swedish/Danish film that should have been titled: "Pelle the Swedish Boy Whose Life Sucks Worse When He and His Father Emigrate to Denmark"; well made, but depressing)

2003-11-04 Did you ever notice that no one answers the phone anymore (present company heartily included -- bless that Caller ID inventor)? It's unforgivable for businesses, but for personal calls, most are a waste of time anyway. I prefer the shallow, cold, devoid-of-emotion email approach. Frigidity rules!
Movies: Dr. No (supposedly one of the best James Bond films ever, but it sucked, was completely dated, but did have Ursula Andress in it...), High Fidelity (John Cusack; much better upon second viewing; it's nowhere near as good as the book), Humanstain (Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman; spoiler: oh, how ironic, a "white" teacher is ridiculously accused of racism, when, in fact, he's living a lie because he's actually a light-skinned black man. Ugh. This movie would have been completely plotless if Hopkins had just revealed his "roots" (pun intended) and admitted he was black, because everyone on earth knows a black person can't be a racist; save your money.), Europa Europa (depressing "true" story (in quotes because it's never really the truth) about a Jew in Poland during WWII who claimed to be German to avoid extermination; very good film and I'm happy he survived his ordeal (talk about stressful situations!!)), Dreamcatcher (based on Stephen King book; sucked, sucked, ripped off Alien and everything else, and then it sucked some more. Did I mention this sucked?)
Music: Morrissey - custom mix (You're The One For Me Fatty, Lucky Lisp, Everyday is Like Sunday, Suedehead, etc...); perfect for these rainy "stay inside" days

Top 2003-10-31 Another Halloween is gone and we have extra treats... We got more kids this year, but fortunately we had enough cat food for all of them. I was afraid I was going to have to start handing out some of my old floppy disks, but luckily there weren't that many kids. I always wonder what impression I leave kids with when they come to visit. As a kid, I used to try to reconstruct the lives of the candy-giver-outers via that single 12 second glimpse you get each year and I wonder if any kids are doing the same with me. (Cue the violins for nostalgic mood.) Phredh had fun, anyway, and so did I. Happy Halloween!
Movies: Dangerous Lives Of Altar Boys (One of the Culkin kids, Jodie Foster; despite Jodie Foster just being, well, ANNOYING, and once you get over 14 year olds acting cool, it's a surprisingly good movie. Besides, they included one ultimate Stephen Stills song on the soundtrack)
Music: Stephen Stills - Do It For The Others

2003-10-28 The Yankees sucked and deserved to lose the World Series and does anyone really care? What really matters is that some guy reviewed 'Scary Movie 3' on IMDB and said it was "so bad I wanted to get up and punch the screen." I wanna hang out with him. (I need to find me a brand new friend, the end. (for Morrison/Doors fans))
Movies: Kill Bill, Volume 1 (Uma; Oh, great, another 2-part movie ripoff; this was a mildly enjoyable but overlong assassin action flick which could easily have been a 25 minute movie. it's also a ripoff of the old, better film "The Bride Wore Black"; Hollywood is beginning to make me really sick), Beyond Borders (Angelina Jolie's stupid "statement" movie; save your money & send it to a charity instead), Van Wilder (Can you say "typical college campus comedy"?), Freeze-Die-Come To Life (well made, bleak Russian film about children in 1947 Siberian poverty, although it's much lighter than that description would imply), Old School (can you say "Animal House" ripoff?; I'll be having nightmares of Will Ferrell's naked ass for years)
Music: Black Sabbath - anything and everything with Ozzy, before he became a prime time alcoholic drug addicted fat slob (back then he was just an alcoholic drug addicted fat slob and all was right in the world) - Megalomania, Hole In The Sky, Spiral Architect, After Forever, Embryo, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Symptom of the Universe, Supernaut,...they don't make 'em like Sabbath anymore.

2003-10-24 Daylight savings time -- my favorite time of year. Who the HELL invented this stupid ass crap? Go ahead, ask 100 people why we observe DST and you'll get 100 different answers, or, worse, 100 incorrect answers. The correct answer is: nobody knows but we do it anyway. I've heard all the garbage about farmers and kids walking to school in the dark and saving electricity and so on, but none of it makes a bit of sense. I can't stand it when it gets dark at 4:30...OK, there, I said it, I'm Afraid of the dark!! Waah.
Movies: Intolerable Cruelty (George Clooney; Latest Coen Brothers flick; I love their sense of humour, but this is another of their more recent output that just falls short of being really good; it's pretty good and has some very funny scenes), Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down (This is the ultimate stalker's dream come true and a decent movie, too. It looks a little dated now, especially because Antonio Banderas was about 14 when this was shot), Mystic River (overdone, overacted and underplotted; I like Sean Penn's acting, but this didn't really have a great story and the "twist" wasn't very curved)
Music: Metallica - the black album (damn these guys were good before they totally sucked...)

2003-10-22 Why do we (as a society) bend over backwards to accommodate smokers? I don't just mean setting up smoking sections in restaurants or allowing employees to leave the building for about an hour a day, but I'm talking about paying (or helping to pay) for smoking cessation programs. My feeling is, if you wanna smoke, you already know it's gonna contribute to your death, so smoke away, keep far away from me, die young and die happy (cigarette in hand). I just don't care. Also, if there are any smokers out there reading this: you have NO idea how badly you smell.
Movies: The Men (Marlon Brando; WWII flick about transition back into society for wheelchair patients; obviously dated, but the point is the same. It was OK.), The Ref (Kevin Spacey, Dennis Leary; thief-at-large Leary holds Spacey and his wife hostage through a holiday dinner party; this is one of those films that's supposed to be "hilarious" and "laugh out loud funny", but I must have missed the hilarity; mildly amusing, at best), Once Upon A Time In The West (1968 flick with Henry Fonda, Charles Bronson, some chick with thingies; I guess America needed an answer to those classic Eastwood westerns and this was it; I'm not a big fan of westerns, but the occasional one ain't bad and this delivered)

2003-10-17 I can't stand to watch baseball all season (too many games), but there's something about baseball in October that makes this sport truly great. Maybe it's the thrill of late inning runs or age-old team rivalries or that familiar site of Yankees players celebrating another winning season or maybe it's that kinship that New Yorkers feel in why the Yankees are New York's team and NOT the Mets...I don't know, but that Yankees home run in the bottom of the 11th to win Game 7 (an exciting phrase in and of itself where sports are concerned) sent chills through my body and I had to share in the players' enjoyment. It's amazing, if you ask someone to name as many great baseball players as they can, many of them were/are Yankees. I like to think it's the lure of the greatest city on Earth and the history of the club, but it's more likely the lure of a HUGE paycheck. Either way, I'm celebrating now and will until they win the next world series and the next and the next... (and somehow, for the similar reasons, I just can't stand the LA Lakers...go figure).
Movies: 61* (Maris/Mantle race to beat Babe Ruth's home run record; in light of yet another Yankees heroic post season showing, this movie was fitting and enjoyable (it helps if you're not sick of the Yankees winning)), Twin Falls Idaho (fictional, odd film about siamese twins and their hooker friend; there's something really cool about human oddities -- I have a morbid fascination with anything freakish...you know, "birds of a feather"...)

So now the Vatican is now saying that you can't prevent AIDS by using condoms. A) I don't care what the Vatican has to say and B) I wonder if all those ass hunting Catholic priests use condoms (I still say they should be shot). And...the pope smokes dope, whatever that means.
Movies: Cherish (Robin Tunney; I really liked this flick, but it's horribly named and the video cover is completely mismatched with the story. It's about this chick's house arrest for a cop's death she wasn't responsible for, but, because she's under house arrest (via an ankle bracelet), she can't find the actual responsible party. Quirky, but I liked it.), Eight Days A Week (teen flick about a guy who wants to prove his love for his neighbor by camping out in her front yard for the entire summer. Decent one liners and some good characterization, but overall just OK), The Egg and I (Claudette Colbert, Fred MacMurray; classic light fun film in beautiful black and white about city girl's transition to country life; why don't they make more black and white films, anyway?)

2003-10-08 OK, I'm gonna whine BIGTIME...no one cares that Arnold Schwarzenegger is CA's new governor; these celebrity elections have become a total joke. And I sincerely hope they don't destroy that tiger that attacked the Siegfried and Roy guy (who knew those are their first names?...or am I the only idiot?). And is there any heterosexual guy out there who can find anything remotely funny about "I Love Lucy"? It has to be the lamest, unfunniest, most overrated classic TV show of all time. Vitameatavegamyass; give me Donna Reed any day. Lastly, but certainly not least, I have a new-ish theory (unless this is well known and, again, I'm an idiot): David Lee Roth is a homo (like, a real homo as opposed to a guy who dresses funny (yeah, "queer" funny)). Ever since Rob Halford of Judas Priest came out of the proverbial closet, it made me wonder about Roth. I mean, David Lee Roth's been in the public eye for over 20 years and never once is he seen with a chick, outside of photo shoots. No celebrity arm decorations (read: Pam Anderson), no front page news of marriages/divorces, no supermodel dates for awards shows, no gossip about who he is or has courted...nothing in all these years. Oh, sure, he might be the unsettling type, but it seems pretty suspicious after all this time. My custom 2003 disclaimer: whatever people do in their private lives doesn't concern me; I really couldn't give a crap. I also think Roth is the only singer for Van Halen, gay or straight. It makes me wanna listen to Broadway show tunes...!
Movies: School of Rock (Jack Black; this looked really stupid, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and I don't care if Jack Black is a one-trick pony; he's really good in this), Out of Time (stupid Denzel Washington actionless action flick), The Score (Ed Norton, Robert DeNiro; not bad "one last big crime before going straight" tale with all the ridiculous twists; I really like Ed Norton's voice -- does that make me homo?)
Music: Chorus Line - Broadway Cast Recording, Will Rogers Follies - "Our Favorite Son" ("...the elephant trunk and democrat donkey will be down the drain and sunk the day the people's victory is won..." is stuck in my head)

Top 2003-09-30 I'm still reeling over how great The Exorcist DVD was. Go rent it today (and put that copy of "The Majestic" back on the shelf)!
Movies: Once Upon A Time in Mexico (Robert Rodriguez' latest re-working of "El Mariachi"; can't this guy write a new storyline? Overall this was very weak. Johnny Depp was decent and Salma Hayek looked good for the 90 seconds she was in the film (although she was prominently featured in the ads), but it was just kinda lame), Duplex (Ben Stiller, Drew Barrymore; I thought this may be light fun, but it turned out to be much lighter than I expected; Ben Stiller plays that same exact role he always plays -- the frustrated, ineffective, bumbling "Meet the Parents" Ben we've all grown tired of...Drew Barrymore rounds out the limited-on-talent cast; save your money and let's all ruin their careers)!
Music: AC/DC - "Problem Child" at max volume (I don't care if Bon Scott died over 20 years ago and I don't care that Angus Young (at age 50) still dresses like a school kid and I don't care that their drummer has never, EVER, played a drum roll and so what if ALL their songs sound alike....? AC/DC (with Bon Scott) rules to this very day. Beavis and Butt-head were right all along).

2003-09-27 Why do I despise the name "Bethany"? I've never known a Bethany in my life, but I really, really hate the name for some reason.
Movies: The Exorcist (Now classic horror film done right; that new scene (on the DVD) of Regan crawling down the stairs is one of the coolest things I have ever seen), The Hours (I'm beginning to hate Nicole Kidman; doesn't she ever smile (beyond awards shows and premieres)? ...and Julianne Moore is a very good actress; I don't mind endorsing her. This movie was just...well, plain; nothing to really like or hate.), American Splendor (Oh, great, another very well made movie about a guy (comic author Harvey Pekar) who we just don't care about; nicely made film, but I could give a rat's ass about Harvey Pekar's life)

2003-09-25 Who's the idiot that came up with the scoring in tennis? Love-15-30-40-match..deuce...uh...? Why not just 0-1-2-3-match? Tennis (the actual game) sucks anyway; when I play, I like to just rally and try to return anything (that goes over the net) in just one or two bounces. It makes the game fun and moves much quicker than the same stop-and-start crap that makes NFL football such a lame game. Also, any tennis ball hit over the fence counts double. Extra points for finding more tennis balls when you go to retrieve the home run you just hit (lose points for every mosquito bite you receive while there). Ad, deuce and game, set, match Michael; I think that means I won.
Movies: Under The Tuscan Sun (very typical woman-trying-to-piece-her-life-back-together-after-Ahole-husband-ruins-their-marriage tale; if not for the absolutely beautiful Italian scenery, this flick would have completely sucked. It may as well have starred Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock. If I'd made it, I would have made the woman older and, um, likeable; you know the elderly 40ish woman that works on her garden and cooks for an empty house and that you'd really like to see happy and fulfilled...damn, I made myself cry again. Boo. Hoo.), Raising Arizona (Nicolas Cage; good comedy, but loses a little more with each successive viewing), The Uninvited (1940's ghost film; must've been decent for its time, but just OK today), Road to Morocco (Bing Crosby/Bob Hope/Dorothy Lamour; I like some of the 'Road' pictures, despite their formula humour and excessive tongue in cheek humour. I also like Bing's voice, although he only has about 5 decent songs out of the 34,786 songs he recorded.)

2003-09-16 Can we gather all the idiots who own stupid motorcycles (with those excessively LOUD exhaust systems) and strap them to their bikes and toss 'em in the river? I doubt anyone would miss them or the pollution they generate. J'ai fatigue.
Movies: Hey Arnold! (football shape headed kids' cartoon; not much more than an episode of the show, but some good laughs.), The Magdalene Sisters (disturbing film about Irish Catholicism's recent past: nuns physically beating and mentally torturing the girls at their sisterhood asylum in order to get the girls (sinners, all) to atone for their sins in the pursuit of god's forgiveness; well made, because it's bothering me still; let's fry a nun tonight!), The Lizzie McGuire Movie (Hilary Duff; OK, this kid's like 12 years old. She sings and acts like a 12 year old. This means she'll be wanting to make a real movie (like "Crossroads") soon and we probably won't ever hear of her again. This flick is the movie equivalent of the hooky, throwaway pop theme "Why Not"; pure American disposable pop plastic.), How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (I DON'T wanna hear it from any of you; Mr. Sensitive here accommodates the occasional chick flick and, as typical as this was, I actually sat through the entire thing; damn, I'm sweet.), 25th Hour (christ, SPIKE LEE SUCKS; whoever gave this guy a camera should be drawn and quartered. I don't believe he's ever shot a good scene, much less an entire film. UGH.), Agent Cody Banks (Not one peep outta you lambs. Not one peep. This sucked, but everyone on earth already knew that. You know what, though? It beats a Spike Lee film, hands down.)
Music: Rush - Compilation of their 28 minute long songs (they were such a great band from about 1975-1982 and now they just kinda suck. And Geddy Lee has got to be one of the ugliest human beings ever conceived. Talk about falling out of the ugly tree and hitting every branch on the way down. Sheesh! Although, contrary to public opinion, I love his whiny voice and he is an awesome bass player.)

2003-09-10 Cyndi Lauper performed "Walk On By" (yes, that annoying song) at a concert recently and the stupid song is stuck in my head (especially the part where Ms. Cyndi simplified the lyrics.) Please make it stop; "da-da-da da-da-dit-da walk-on-by..." ad infinitum.)
Movie: What A Girl Wants (hey, it was free; I truly hate characters/scenes like this: the hip, fashion-conscious teen who's trying to get their old fogey parent to be less unhip. To indicate the teen's excessive "hipness" they film a fast-edit sequence of her trying on different outfits and makes silly faces after each display, and, to top it off, the teen gestures with the obligatory 60's dance moves (you KNOW the ones). Ugh, squared.; this movie should have been a sitcom episode; some cuteness, but completely contrived.)
Book: Charles Barkley - I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It (I love Charles Barkley. I want to be friends with Charles Barkley. I just don't wanna talk or read about his views of racism. This was a huge let-down, but what do I care, it was a library book and I could return it half-unread at no charge!)

2003-09-08 People give me such a headache. I'm going to start ranking people with "energy ratings" expressed in joules per minute required to deal with said person for issues that (mostly) don't matter. For example, in casual conversation you say, "...it's about a week away" and some idiot responds, "Well, actually, it's NINE days away" and you respond with a resounding "Who F&$%ing cares; that IS about a week!?!" You've now expelled energy for no reason. This person gets a 55 rating (0=least, 100=most energy required). Many, MANY people require this unnecessary energy for sustenance, but it's so draining. I, for one, have tried desperately to rid myself of dealing with these people. So, if I missed your stupid birthday or didn't return your phone call within the allotted 16 minutes or was unaware of your silly religious dietary requirements or forgot your sister's cousin's housekeeper's new baby's name, then "F YOU, I AIN'T SORRY! Whine to someone who gives a crap. I only have so much energy and I'd rather use it on things that matter, like the new issue of Maxim." J'ai mal a la tete.
Movie: The Order (this was probably the worst movie I've seen in about 5 years...Mandy Moore makes better films.)
Music: Peter Gabriel - So CD + others ("Games without Frontiers", "Salisbury Hill"; Kate Bush rules; he has his moments..."Red Rain" is NOT one of them.)

2003-09-02 I went geocaching this weekend; it's basically hiking meets scavenger hunting. People hide stuff in a container and then provide GPS coordinates and/or instructions to find the hidden cache. I'm not geek enough to own a GPS device (yet), but I found the cache anyway. It's a pretty cool idea...now if they can only hide some treasure.
If I never said it before, how the hell is Paul Rodriguez famous? (You know him, he's the extremely unfunny "comedian" whose every joke is about Hispanics, like anyone cares about Hispanic humour.) Ugh.
Movies: Thirteen (horrible; this is the first movie I've ever seen where I wanted every character to die), The Hunted (Tommy Lee Jones and some other retard; sucked completely), Double Whammy (Steve Buscemi independent film; not bad, but not quite there; Liz Hurley must've lost a bet to be in this flick), Phonebooth (Ugh, an effeminate male antagonist is keeping a guy (who we all want killed) hostage in a phonebooth. stop. the. suspense. is. killing. me.), We Were Soldiers (Mel Gibson; I hate war movies. I especially hate Vietnam war movies. This was really good, though.), The Rookie (Dennis Quaid; true-ish story of over-the-hill pitcher who makes it to the majors in his 30's; decent underdog tale.), People Vs. Larry Flynt (Woody, huh, huh, Harrelson, Courtney Love; this is good enough to have seen twice; Courtney Love, who we all have so many reasons to hate, is really good in this.)

Top 2003-08-26 I'm going to write about something nice for a change: A few weeks ago I came across a non-porno web site that had a visitor-submitted photo posted. I liked the photo, so I sent the photographer an email asking about getting a higher quality image (web photos are often trimmed down to allow for quicker browsing). Within a few minutes of sending my request, the photographer responded with the full size photo attached. He also said that if I sent him my address, he would send a CD of all the photos from the same session. Well, the CD arrived yesterday. The sender never once asked for any money or anything in return for his photos, time or postage; it was all done at his own expense. In fact, the note he enclosed only stated that he was sorry it took so long (it took about 2 weeks from when he offered). It was Dave...I wish more people could be this way.
Movies: The Legend of Drunken Master (JackieChan (oneword); I think this is a remake of a very slapstick-funny film he made in his 20's; well, now it appears he's playing a 45 year old son of a 35 year old woman; some good slapstick, but little else), Open Range (Robert Duvall, Kevin Costner; well done, but very typical western (aren't ALL westerns 'typical'?)), The Tuxedo (more JackieChan, Jennifer Love Hewitt; jeez this girl has no talent; she has one of those faces that don't look right unless she's saying, "...whatEVerrr."; silly and overall sub-mediocre. Whateverrr.)

2003-08-24 I went to one of these city-wide annual garage sale thingies recently -- you know the ones where they set up tables behind the police station and everyone brings their garbage to sell. Anyway, being the cheapest guy I know, I look forward to these events. This one, however, completely sucked. It was mostly old men (50+) selling radio/TV parts. What amazed me was that to these hobbyists, this is their life! I don't mean the selling; I mean most of them have been into the radio building hobby since they were kids and they haven't moved beyond it in the past 50 years. People like this seriously depress me; life for them has stopped and they're going to die having never experienced anything truly joyful since childhood. And what a great time we live in!! Overhearing their conversations made me think of my old age. I hope I can keep my life exciting for the rest of it...ah, who am I fooling? I'm going to be one of these idiots telling war stories of my first IBM AT computer with its single 5 1/4" floppy drive and I'll be touting the benefits of a 40Mb Plus Hardcard... If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then that's a good thing. If you know what I'm talking about and you're laughing at how lame things were back then, then that's a great thing. I'm laughing, too.
Movies: The Life of David Gale (Kate Winslet, Kevin Spacey, Laura Linney; very well done film about death row inmate (Spacey) and reporter (Winslet) who may be able to save his life at the eleventh hour; typical in some respects, but good story and extremely well acted (Linney)), Secret Lives of Dentists (Husband/Wife dentist team with marital problems; depressing movie, but well made and had some nice touches; Denis Leary was very annoying in his Willem Dafoe ripoff character), Aladdin (Disney flick; still works), A La Folie...Pas Du Tout (American title: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not; French film about obsessed lover of married man; good movie, but disturbing to me when I think of my hundreds of paramours...ahhhhh... "yeah, right", she says.)
Music: Greenday - ...whatever (it doesn't matter because all Greenday kicks ass and sucks at the same time!)

2003-08-21 I don't get this whole 'blogging' fad; it must be just for blosers. Sometimes I pride myself on having no clue about current media trends (like TV) and other times I just wanna cry. And can someone please explain the Olsen twins to me? They're completely talentless and they're not even attractive (mind you, they're not ugly by any stretch, but they're nothing to look at). I don't know...maybe it's a day to cry. 'blater...
Movies: Angus (sucky movie about a fat kid, but well worth the price of admission 'cuz it has the "Sherminator" (from the American Pie movies) as a little kid -- a goofy little runt you wanna adopt.), Her Bridal Night (Brigitte Bardot; it's no Contempt (her best film), but it was a calculated gamble), Mothman Prophecies (Dick Gere; this was pretty good, but it was very slow)

2003-08-18 Lambs, I've been taking a break and watching TONS of (mostly mediocre) movies so get a life and brace yourselves: the world as we know it is coming to an end. Now I didn't mind the idea of hiring a gay bishop (I actually think it's kinda funny (read: hilarious) in an agnostic sorta way), but I do NOT think it's a good idea to open a gay high school in Manhattan (Harvey Milk High School opens this fall). What's up with that? I fully understand that gays get harassed in school, but SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE!! The fat kids have it much worse and they can't even hide their secret... You'd think that if gay kids are getting beaten up in regular schools, that maybe, just maybe, the school isn't doing its job providing a safe learning environment? I don't know...I imagine 'sword fighting' will become a popular sport there. In light of this new political correctness and god-forbid-your-kid-gets-harrassed mentality, "Cookies and Milk High School" for fat kids opens next fall. (Or maybe they can combine the gay/fat kids into "Twinkie High School" and kill two birds with one stone...?)
Movies: Seabisuit (more like "air biscuit"; sappy, slow and waaay too many "touching" moments), Woman of the Year (Hepburn/Tracy 50's flick; for a change, Katharine Hepburn plays a type A successful career girl who outsmarts ALL the men in the world...Oh, wait, that's the role she ALWAYS PLAYS), Dirty Pretty Things (Audrey Tautou in a much different role; I like this chick; dark, decent film), The 39 Steps (Alfred Hitchdick oldie; OK film, but the print quality was horrible), Balto (typical animated kid flick, but I sometimes like these), Swimming Pool (well acted, bizarre French film worth seeing; write me to discuss the end), Jingle All The Way (Schwarzenegger silly flick; some good (albeit obvious) fun stuff), Just Married (yes, that movie; extremely stupid, yes, but a handful of slapstick gems, especially the "bingo" car they rent), About Schmidt (boring as sin; save your rental fees), S.W.A.T. (o.v.e.r.r.a.t.e.d. and too little action; decent (for an action film), but could have been much better), US Marshalls (Tommy Lee Jones; I'm officially sick of cop films, especially starring a grown man named "Tommy"), Mask of Zorro (OK, I've lost all credibility...this was as obvious as they come, but had some funny clips), Hart's War (Bruce Willis WWII flick with all the trimmings: racism, unjust murder, tough ranking officers, an out-of-place underdog... all in all, it was slightly above average)

2003-08-04 So the Episcopalians are considering having a homo for a Bishop. You know, people get so up in arms about this junk. You know, if this guy's a decent person, who cares who he's boinking as long as no one gets hurt and it's all consensual? It's his business, and, for all you supposed "christians", didn't your god make him a homo in the first place? Who are you to question god's plan? Now, don't get me wrong, I ain't one to intentionally drop my soap in a public shower, but I also ain't gonna worry about somebody who does in their own home. I just don't wanna see it, hear about it or know about it; your personal life doesn't interest me.
Movies: American Wedding (American Pie 3) (OK, we're down to a formula by the third round, but you know what? I still laugh every time I see Stifler's face or Jim's bare ass... that's not gay, is it?), Amelie (even upon multiple viewings, this gem is one of the best made films of the past decade, although it could've been made in any decade. I only wish it were in English so I could put it on in the background while doing other things), Minority Report (again, a re-watching, but it's still very good, despite Steven Spielberg's and Tom Cruise's attempts to ruin a great story.)
Music: Debbie Does Dallas Off Broadway Cast Recording ("I Wanna Do Debbie" is currently my favorite)

2003-08-02 Someone should open a lumberyard called "Twinks Lumber" to compete with "Dykes Lumber"; it'll go over so nicely in this politically correct nation.
Movies: That Was Then This Is Now (80's lame flick with Emelio Estevez; this sucked then and it still sucks now), How To Deal (Mandy Moore; I think Mandy Moore is really a boy because this movie sucked so bad that there must be some other explanation beyond the horrible story, bad acting and inane dialogue. Side note: Lisa (of Debbie Does Dallas Off Broadway) played the sister), Forever James Dean (decent documentary about, duh, James Dean. JD kicks butt; now get off yours and go see East Of Eden, one of the best films ever made), Beatles' First US Visit (documenting the now famous Beatles Ed Sullivan appearances and subsequent invasion of America; very enjoyable (if you're a Beatles fan) and completely irrelevant if you're not (or if you're under 25))

Top 2003-07-26 So I'm walking down the stairs this morning while holding a bunch of random stuff, among which is my cordless phone. Due to the shift in the randomly sized objects I'm holding, I inadvertently hit a few buttons on the phone and when I finally drop everything, I look at the phone's display: it reads, "666".
I'm so cool it makes others fart.
Movies: Tomb Raider II (Angelina Jolie; decent extension of the first film; if you set reasonable expectations, you won't be disappointed), Bad Boys 2 (I'm so over-bored with cop "buddy" flicks; some cool explosions, but little else. Martin Lawrence is so annoying and I've heard he's an ass in real life.), Jawbreaker (Not quite a Heathers sequel, but comes close)

2003-07-18 I saw my first Bruce Springsteen concert this week. Admittedly, I'm one of those guys who thought he would have lost his voice by now, but he's still hanging around and he does put on a good show. (The term "hardest working man in showbiz may actually apply here.) Outside of a bunch of obligatory onstage rehearsed band poses (especially the one where Bruce holds his guitar vertically -- you know the pose), the show was very entertaining. I (along with most of the crowd) much preferred the older numbers, but about half of the show was new songs, which were mostly mediocre. (Come to think of it, most of his old stuff is pretty mediocre, too, but for some reason it's just better.) One thing I was amazed by was how he had people at the back of the arena (Giants Stadium for those of you dumb enough to enjoy football) on their feet for most of the upbeat songs. I always enjoy when an artist has that ability. Maybe it's because the show was in his home state of New Jersey (where they loooove Bruce) or maybe it was because he's the next wave of old-time rockers still putting on shows or whatever, but it was impressive. I hope he continues for another 25 years.
Movies: Hoosiers (Gene Hackman; now it looks really dated, but it's decent; you know the story: unpopular coach, hated by players and community takes team to state finals.), Whale Rider (very well done New Zealand (?) film, although it played a bit too much (and too slowly) on the sacred rituals of the ancient ways and the old man that you hate but for some stupid reason must still respect; I nearly cried in one part, but who wouldn't (note to self: edit this out -- don't give self away). I'm such a freakin' sensitive guy.
Music: Crowded House - "Don't Dream It's Over" CD (the line "my possessions are causing me suspicion, but there's no proof" is good. This CD brings me back to the mid 80's when I was so young and carefree and spent each day chasing a dream...OK, fine, I was just as curmudgeonly then as now; I just had a smaller audience and more free time. Bastards.)

2003-07-14 Justice is served: some peckerhead in a Lexus (I know that's redundant) was tailing me at a distance of 2.3cm. I moved into the right lane the first chance I got and he, of course, had to fly by me only to tail the next guy who was about 20 feet in front of me. As he made this brazen move with his Georgia plated Peckerhead Lexus, Smokey comes flying out of the overgrown shoulder and in a cloud of dust nailed him. When I drove by, I saw the oversized State Trooper approach the guilty party. Smokey had both thumbs in the front of his belt and he didn't look happy. I, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed this (and the rest of the weekend for that matter). Moral: Speeding wasn't even cool in high school (as it requires no talent whatsoever) and is only justifiable when delivering a pregnant woman to the hospital or similar emergency. And remember, lambs, I am your Father.
Movies: Legally Blonde 2 (Reese "forehead" Witherspoon; completely contrived, but still somewhat cute follow up; enjoyable if you just wanna see a cute movie), Pilot's Wife (at best, this could have been OK, but it wasn't; how well do you know your husband? storyline), Life With Mikey (Michael J. Fox, Cyndi Lauper; afterschool special caliber movie about a talented kid from a broken home...sob...sob; it's so tough seeing Michael J. Fox before he got sick; it's such a bummer because he just seems like such a nice guy.)

2003-07-09 My favorite thought today is when cartoon characters run off the edge of a cliff and all physical laws (such as gravity) don't exist until they realize they exist and only then will they fall. (I've Wile E. Coyote in mind.) I don't know why that's awesome, but it just is.
Two-for-one Today Only Free Second Thought: Cities just don't get any better than New York City.
Movies: Terminator 3 (I can't believe they fumbled the ball on one of the greatest series in film history. Ugh; no story whatsoever, no new special effects and all the plot holes from the earlier films that the strong storyline used to cover up, were present sans plotline. Read my online review at IMDB.), Waiting For Guffman (The BEST of the Spinal Tap guys' spoofs; ignore all others), Musicals of the 40's (Y'know, ya get nostalgic hoping for a nice picker upper and they do a crappy job compiling the films... and some of these films were truly great -- I had forgotten how fantastic Fred Astaire was (with his self-proclaimed "bartlett pear" shaped head. They don't make 'em like that anymore.))

2003-07-02 There are way too many famous Stevens (Stephens): Spielberg, Hawking, Sondheim, King, Baldwin, Seagal, Eydie, etc...please don't let this continue.
Book: Dave Barry's Book Of Bad Songs (Nice idea, but not enough to fill a book)

2003-07-01 Katharine Hepburn had made one interesting comment about how she was born, lived and (will) die at the best time (1907-2003). I was never much of a fan, but I did enjoy Desk Set and The Philadelphia Story. In all other flicks she seemed to always play this headstrong woman who would ultimately hold her own against any man and I guess it just got old after a dozen times. What's interesting to me is that she was one of the last survivors of Old Hollywood -- an era long gone by. I think I miss that the most. There will be no more first-hand accounts of any part of Hollywood's history; it's just gone and all we're left with are the books and records people left behind. I'll go cry now as another Hep bites the dust.
Movies: Adaptation (Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep; overrated and overacted; started out real slow and got decent, but then fizzled; I really hate movies where actors, through the miracle of modern digital technology, act alongside themselves. Ugh.), Breakfast of Champions (Bruce Willis; this was like crap in a bowl of 4 day old milk.)
Music: Foo Fighters - One By One (Dave Grohl started out so good after Cobain blew his head off that I thought he'd be one of the greats. Personally, I think he's awesome, but his CDs have just kinda sucked lately with only 2 or 3 good songs on each. I guess I should be ecstatic with a few good songs, since most music today COMPLETELY SUCKS.)

Top 2003-06-30 Why are the first pages of novels invariably numbered anything other than "page 1"? One I'm reading now starts on page 11. Is it designed to give the reader a psychological boost by tossing him a few bonus pages? I just don't get it.
Movies: Spellbound (documentary about National spelling bee participants; interesting look inside not only the contest, but our great country; I liked these lines: "America is the only country in the world where, if you work hard, you are guaranteed to succeed" and "...in America you always get a second chance". So get off your butts, b-u-t-t-s, butts), The Recruit (Al Pacino; could have been good if it didn't sport 32,485 plot twists, most of which were stupid)

2003-06-28 Finally!! A national "Do Not Call" database to sue the pants off of those F'ers who bother the crap out of you with their stupid ass phone calls interrupting your dinner. Sign up now at donotcall.gov (It's legit; it has a '.gov' extension.)
Movies: Scotland, PA (Christopher Walken; murder 70's style at the "McBeth's" fast food restaurant; decent black comedy parody of MacBeth), Ringu (original Japanese that inspired The Ring; very good, but I prefer the remake (which I don't say often)), Happenstance (Audrey Tautou; nice idea for a flick, but poor execution; I'm beginning to think that Amelie is her one good flick), Naked Gun 2 1/2 (Leslie Nielson; not as good as the first or the third installment in this overly silly comedy series)

2003-06-18 I just experienced one of the biggest marketing scams worse than I ever could have imagined; DO NOT GO TO SEE MATRIX RELOADED -- it's a scam!! You sit through 2 hours of silly pseudo martial arts mock fighting and overdone computer graphics (that we all saw in the first lame movie) and then the suck-ass film abruptly ends with "To be concluded". I was pissed. I paid for a full movie and I got 1/2 a movie (and a crappy one, at that!) This is marketing at its peak -- they've convinced the willing American public to pay for two tickets to see one complete film. I heard that the next part has already been completed and that they're releasing it in the fall. Now why the hell they couldn't have released it all at once (like, uh, EVERY SINGLE OTHER FILM EVER MADE) is no mystery; it's designed to rip us off. I, for one, sure as hell ain't paying a second time to see the end of a movie that I thought I was going to end before left the theater. What a freakin' ripoff. I'm on the phone to Warner Bros. tomorrow morning to demand a refund. Do not see this lame flick. The 1/2 I did see sucked anyway. Hype. Pure Hype with a dash of RIPOFF.
Movies: Matrix Reloaded (Save your money; it sucked), Bruce Almighty (Jim Carrey just sucks beyond his let-me-contort-my-stupid-face-in-every-movie-I'm-in-even-though-it-got-old-after-the-mask antics; couple this with one of the worst ideas for a film EVER and toss in a pathetic Jennifer Aniston scene where she's lying in bed (clothed, of course) with tears in her eyes praying to god to help her boyfriend)...UGH...what the HELL is happening to movies?!?!?!?!?, Evelyn (Pierce Brosnan; alright based-on-a-true-story (read: fiction) Irish child custody story; decent, well acted), Treasure Planet (Disney; more like 'turd planet')
Music: Lone Justice - compilation ("If You Don't Like Rain" is the best, "Soap, Soup & Salvation" a close second)

2003-06-17 dsc (Cocquie typed that)... Today (like every day) I HATE people and their ME, ME, ME attitude. I also wish Ozzy would die already because he's really become pathetic. I think Boxing matches should become a best of seven series (not 7 rounds, but 7 fights spread over 12 days). I don't understand this Israel/Hamas deal, but are both sides gonna be happy when they're all dead? Jimi Hendrix was black. Please don't buy Hillary Clinton's stupid book. Please. Do this for the remembrance of ME.
Movies: The Italian Job (Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron/Cameron Diaz/Angelina Jolie/whoever else has that 'look'; remake of cool 1969 flick; decent, but you know ALL the twists), Venus Beauty Institute (Amelie girl Audrey Tautou; not-quite-there lost persons movie, but some good points), Capturing the Friedmans (documentary about Long Island child molestation case; decent and well done documentary, but this family is just plain screwed up bigtime), Contaminated Man (one of the Hurts, Natascha McElhone; Natascha is very pretty, but she can't seem to choose an appropriate script as this suckfest indicates. Oh, one of the nasty cola brands plays way too prominently in this flick, thus nauseating me even more than the horrible screenplay.)
Music: Evanescence - Fallen (not great, but it doesn't suck and it grew on me; "save me from the nothing I've become" is a good line)

2003-06-13 Isn't it wild how the phrase "Howard Stern" is strangely similar to "how words turn"? And, isn't it too weird how the phrase "Be Like Michael" is conspicuously parallel to "lonely guy with probably few friends who thinks people care about his drab life"? It's just too creepy.

2003-06-12 My favorite of new inventions is the self-service checkout aisle at retail stores (Home Depot, Shop Rite). For some reason I can tolerate its mistakes and gripes much more than some pimply faced kids'. I'm heading for the perfect world in which no one but me exists. I'll call it Michaelville (Micaville, for short). Please don't move here.
Movies: With Friends Like Harry (mediocre long-lost friend/murderer flick), Felicia's Journey (way too long serial killer story with virtually no tension whatever, although it was well made; skip it), Finding Nemo (good, not great; cute in a Pixar kind of way, but nowhere near the Toy Story films; worth seeing even if you hate Ellen), This is Spinal Tap (originally this was recommended, but it doesn't hold up as well on re-watching; get the DVD if you can -- the "Hell Hole" video is well worth it, stocked with every 80's band rock video cliches)
Music: Judas Priest - compilation of their pre-1982 work (when they were great and no one knew Halford was a homo), Bananarama - compilation of their canned pop candy-ass garbage (talentless, true, but catchy melodies; Cheers then.)

Top 2003-05-30 I just read about a rock climber who was pinned under an 800 pound rock for a few days. After his water ran out (2 days), he ended up cutting off his arm (at the forearm) with his pocket knife, applied a makeshift tourniquet and walked seven miles to find help. So, I'm here (in my warm house) wondering if he should be ridiculed or praised. He's currently being fitted for a prosthesis and plans on going rock climbing as soon as he is able. I am truly impressed that he had the fortitude to resolve his situation, but I can't help but think people like him are insane. My verdict: insane, but harmless (or should that be "armless"?) and probably happier than most of us. Good job.
Movies: A Mighty Wind (same cast as in all Christopher Guest parodies (Best In Show, Waiting For Guffman, This is Spinal Tap, Etc...; OK, but formula at this point), Ron Jeremy: Porn Star (This could have been really good, but it was done poorly. I think the filmmaker just missed the point or, worse, didn't have one.), Kate & Leopold (This lasted about 3:37 before getting ejected so I can't be 100% certain it sucked, but I'll go with 99.98%), Big Fat Greek Wife...Wedding (I remember thinking this was cute the first time through, but it just doesn't work on multple viewings. Keep this in mind when you're out shopping and are considering buying it), Airheads (still great even though I saw it a month ago)

2003-05-22 It's 10:00 at night and I'm driving home in the drizzling rain and fog on a somewhat deserted two lane (each direction) 45 mph road. Some loser (APSYCHO no dooubt) appears from nowhere behind me, with his stupid ass fog lights blinding me. He proceeds to tailgate me at well over 15 mph above the speed limit. (Why the ass couldn't have gone around me is beyond comprehension.) Now that he's allowed me 3 milliseconds to move into the right lane, he makes his move to pass me on the right. As he swerves over to pass me, I notice a large American flag sticker on his driver's side door. This guy represents the America that is really worth fighting for. I thank all that is good in this world for allowing a guy like this to have such a fortunate life. What an A$$hole.
On a completely unrelated note, what is it about Boston accents that just make you wanna slap the speaker silly? ("...it's in my CAH." No, that's CAR you freakin' annoying loser.) Note: If I've offended anyone from Boston, then I accomplished precisely what I set out to do. Please move to France and take Mr. Fog Lights with you.
Movie: Identity (John Cusack; this is one of those movies that are great while in the theater, but lose steam as you exit (because of the holes in the story); nonetheless, it's good for a scare or two.)
Music: Metallica - the black album (remember when Metallica were actually cool and didn't do things like ruin Napster, the greatest software ever invented? I'm glad they suck now and are practically forgotten, but they did have some good tunes back then.)

2003-05-17 Today I am a suburbanite in spite of my coolness. I now own and operate a John Deere piece of equipment. Shame befalls my family. (The yard does look nice, though.) Yeah, it's all about the bling bling.
Movies: Killer's Trial (documentary about the 1960's Dr. Sheppard murder trial and the now grown son of Dr. Sheppard trying to clear his dad's name; big buildup for nothing), The Natural (Robert Redford; horribly bad baseball story with quite possibly the worst dialogue ever written), The Crucible (Winona Ryder; boring witch trial suckfest)
Music: Bloodhound Gang - Hooray For Boobies (lame band with a great sense of humour; check out their one semi-hit "The Bad Touch" lyrics)

2003-05-13 Why can't credit card companies just assume that I don't want my personal information shared with everyone and their guppy instead of having me send a letter (non-post paid, I might add) stating the obvious? Ugh. Sometimes I really hate this new technology and information sharing.
Movies: The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter (very well done, if somewhat dated flick that made me realize that Sondra Locke can actually act, and very well. Check it out -- I'm off to find the book.)
Music: Karate High School - Sweep the Leg ("PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG")

2003-05-11 Fog and Morrissey are a lethal combination worthy of mass suicide. There is no longevity secret. Eating too many red grapes makes your stomach feel funky. There's too much caffeine in my bloodstream (and I don't drink coffee). Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you...
Movies: Spirit (decent animated kid flick, except for the compulsion by the filmmakers to insert these idiotic songs throughout; it was nice that the animals didn't talk for a change), Fatal Attraction (I had never seen this before; it was the scariest movie I ever saw (not because of the film, but of the memories it evoked); psycho chicks rule, except when they're in my life), Charade (Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant; lite fun cat-and-mouse idle flick), The Truth About Charlie (Mark Wahlberg; remake of Charade; OK, but why bother?), The Big Hit (Mark Wahlberg (is this a trend?); extremely idle hitman flick with an annoying Lou Diamond Phillips and an even more annoying Christina Applegate. I hate characters who play stereotypical ethnic roles, in this case Jewish. Ugh. I should mention that there were some cool isolated scenes in this.)
Music: Smiths - Strangeways Here We Come ("I am the ghost of a trouble Joe...", Gordon Lightfoot - assorted one-off hits

2003-05-05 OK, I made up a joke...Ready? Alright, dawgies, here goes: Upon hearing that Saddam Hussein was offering $20,000 to any Iraqi Soldiers who could capture and bring in a living American soldier (presumably to be tortured), President Bush, not to be outdone, said that the US would double that amount. Get it? Bush would be paying Iraqi soldiers $40,000 to the Iraqis...oh, nevermind. Didja like my joke? On a completely unrelated note, my favorite site of the day is hot-deals.org -- they scour on- and offline flyers and ads for great rebates, deals, freebies, etc. The coolest thing is that the site is simple (text only) and he doesn't bombard you with a hundred deals a day; he usually lists 2 or 3 and they really are good deals. Cheap asses unite!! (Thanks to DDS for the tip!)
Movies: Perfect Storm (it was decently done; this was a re-watching), Formula 51 (Samuel Jackson, Emily Mortimer; really standard drug/crime dare I say it, "formula" flick, but it was OK; there's something plainly beautiful (how's that for an oxymoron?) about Emily Mortimer), Kiss the Dragon (Jet Li; you've seen it, you've been there; kung fu action and separated mom and kid, blah, blah, blah...but you can't ignore any movie that realizes the value of seeing a guy get hit in the head with a billiard ball. Bring on the Jet Li or Jackie Chan or whoever it is since it really doesn't matter. These guys are good.)
Music: Howard Jones - random Best Of ("Things Can Only Get Better" (whoa oh oh...), "No One Is To Blame", etc...; another 80's peroxide whacky haircut guy with some infectious melodies)

Top 2003-04-29 Who thought up the ridiculously poor design of toothpaste tubes? It's great for squeezing toothpaste, but you can only store the stupid thing horizontally and it takes up half the medicine cabinet. When you try to store it vertically (an impossibility), it knocks over your Prozac stash every time you grab it. Sheesh. And, while I'm at it, what the hell does 'sis-boom-ba' mean (as in "...rah, rah, sis-boom-ba"?? I heard a joke once that it was the sound of a lamb exploding. Rah.
Movies: Drumline (this is the drumming version of Bring It On (the cheerleading competition flick); standard fare where all the right things happen and all the screw-ups are made completely obvious), Airheads (Steve Buscemi; when rock stars go too far; this movie still rules; the best part is the reference to the Van Halen/David Lee Roth split and when Buscemi calls the singer's girlfriend "Yoko"), Abandon (Aban-dumb; don't waste your time with this bland crap)
Music: Too Much Joy - Cereal Killers (I wanna party with these guys...oh, wait, I hate parties and I never use the word "party" as a verb...there goes my dream! Anyway, these guys just sound like they're fun to hang out with and their sense of humour is awesome: in "Long haired guys from England" during the instrumental break the singer says, "...it's like that guy from Midnight Oil, except he's bald and he's from Australia, but it's sort of the same concept." Friggin' geniuses. Besides, "Crush Story" is pure pop heaven.

2003-04-24 It boggles my mind how soon time passes. It seems like only yesterday I was...oh, wait, it was yesterday. (Senility sets in early in these parts. Huh, huh, nhuh,..."parts".) Anyway, is there ever enough time to do everything you want to do? If I could save time in a bottle...
Movies: Stranger Than Paradise (lamer than you can imagine), Ghost Ship (not bad for a scarefest)
Music: The Muffs - The Muffs (redlining barre chord punky grrrl rock at its most average. Perfect.)

2003-04-22 OK, I haven't whined enough lately so today you'll get a handful: the new Linkin Park CD sounds exactly like the old Linkin Park CD. I'm so sick of bands (like Linkin Park) who put out a CD, then follow up with a remixed version of the hits off this CD and then follow up with new music that sounds identical to the original release (and take three or more years to do it). Today's bands just make me sick. Also, I was reading today about how some guy with more free time than I is theorizing that the Mona Lisa has that 'look' because she's pregnant. Big freaking whoop-de-doo, idiot. Has anyone else spent part of a lifetime wondering this? In the same magazine, there was an article about how smoking in NYC Theaters is against the law, but onstage smoking is allowed if the part calls for it. The kicker is that performances that have actors smoking onstage will now have lobby signs posted stating that the actors will be smoking onstage. Now I'm the first guy who doesn't want to inhale some smelly bum's cigarette smoke (and, trust me, ALL smokers smell), but I think this warning label society has gone a bit too far. Here's my new warning label: "Warning: You may just annoy me enough to justify killing you." Consider yourself warned.
Music: Helen Kane - The Original Boop Boop A Doop Girl (1920's nostalgia singer who they modeled Betty Boop after; there's something so thoroughly enjoyable about these recordings that I just can't pinpoint. Buy it Today.), Linkin Park - Their new crap CD (with one good song and only because it sounds like their old good song; pure formula; they'll not be around much longer...)
Movies: Weight of Water (Liz Hurley; two present day couples revisit the site of a past murder; the problem is you only care about the clips from the past and it's so painfully clear who the real killer is; note the brief cameo of Liz Hurley's thingies), Inherit The Wind (Spencer Tracy; famed 'Scopes Monkey Trial' proceedings (addressing the issue of teaching evolution in schools); well acted and a good film, but it could have been a great film if they had addressed the overturned final decision), The Love Bug (Disney 70's flick about the VW bug; simple fun), Serial Killers Vol 4: Charles Manson (I had to watch this after reading Helter Skelter; it was kinda lame. Manson was fascinating, but his now-born-again former partners in crime are nauseatingly, well, born again), Bend It Like Beckham (female plays semi-pro soccer against her dot-head family's wishes; I have a soft spot for these utterly predictable films; it was well done along the "Big Fat Greek Wife" lines..er, "wedding".)

2003-04-15 Tax day. Ugh. Again I'll bitch about having to pay postage for mailing this crap in. What a scam. And who the hell puts aspartame in fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt? That stuff is poison. OK, I'm done with my random complaining. On a lighter note, the sun finally decided to show itself and the bulbs in the yard have started to respond. Life begins anew. Oh, and Gabe had a kid, which makes me an aunt, I think (it's a girl). Baby clothes on sale today only at Bangchick's.
Movie: Tuck Everlasting (yet another kid's movie where magic and immortality is the theme; OK at best)
Book: Helter Skelter (Charles Manson murder trial; awesome, 'gripping' (that word is always used in reviews...oh, and 'riveting', too); anyway, the book totally ruled. The prosecutor deserves credit for proving the case against Manson and The Family. What a feat. I have also never forgiven California for abandoning the death penalty, which allowed all those convicted to serve life terms (all but one are still in prison). It's just another reason to hate California, I guess.) Read the book.

2003-04-11 We buried our dog OSKR today. He was sick (Cushing's Disease) for the past year and had grown too weak to continue. I'll miss him more than I miss most people. He was a good pup (the only dog I ever knew that could roll over and high 5 on command). It rained all day and into the night.
Movies: The Shaggy Dog (Disney flick from the 60's; lite fun), It Happened One Night (simple, but beautifully done Clark Gable, Claudette Colbert film from the 1930's; it's still enjoyable even after many, many viewings)
Music: They Might Be Giants - Birdhouse In Your Soul (it's about a night-light!!), Istanbul (not Constantinople), Ana Ng (I wanna hang out with these guys; they have the right sense of humour.)

2003-04-07 This TV-obsessed nation is so hooked on 'reality TV' that this war has just become another show to watch. It's so tragic.
Movies: The Last Emperor (boring; lasted only 45 minutes.), Domestic Disturbance (John Travolta; silly afterschool special type film about the new stepdad who isn't all he appears; yet another dumb Travolta flick.)
Music: Hoobastank, Linkin Park and System of a Down at max volume -- the perfect soundtrack to assuage my feelings about snow still falling in April.

2003-04-02 There's a new (if you can believe it) Ringo Starr song that is a tribute to other former Beatle George Harrison. It's pathetic. He basically takes a bunch of one liners (and album titles) from Harrison's past and puts them in a non-melodic throwaway song. No creativity whatsoever and the damn radio stations are playing it. Ugh. One DJ, much to my annoyance, retold a story about Paul McCartney (who is apparently on the Ringo album, too) and Ringo yucking it up in the studio during the recording. The freakin' guy told the story in a put-on English accent and spoke as if he were there. Like anyone cared. Look dude, you're about 40 years late on Beatlemania. It's over and few people miss it.
Oh, it snowed a little yesterday. I'm sick of this long, cold, lonely winter. It seems like years since it's been clear.
Movies: Duel In the Sun (1950's Joseph Cotten, Gregory Peckory; typical brothers-at-odds western with a half-breed girl involved. Well acted, but silly.), K-19 (Harrison Ford; this had to be the worst telling of the tale of the first (?) nuclear Russian sub. Not only were all the Russkies speaking English, but their accents were just plain horrible to the point where it was almost laughable. It seems that the filmmakers accepted phrases like "Is Good?" as passable Russian, regardless of the accent. What crap. Too bad, too, because the story is relatively interesting.), That Darn Cat (Disney original; Hayley Mills, Dean Jones; lite, fun kid flick.)
Music: The Eagles - first LP (the one with 'Train Leaves Here This Morning')

Top 2003-03-29 Why are freakin' TVs everywhere? I went to the dentist and they had a stupid TV above the chair (I politely asked that it be turned off). First this cell phone crap (although I'm going to have to break down and get one -- long story; I'm not happy) and now a TV in every single conceivable location. You'd think America was obsessed with television...oh, wait a minute, you idiots are. TV sucks ass.
Movies: Serving Sara (Liz Hurley; don't ask; it's twice as stupid as you thought it would be), Incredible Journey (Disney original from the 60's; well done, although this would probably be considered offensive by today's politically correct standards), Toto Diabolicus (French detective series; worse that static), Trumpet of the Swan (Cartoon retelling of the E.B. White children's book; the book was far better; why do kids' films always have to force in these upbeat disco numbers when they're just not needed?), Mrs. Doubtfire (Robin Williams; I thought this was going to totally suck, but I actually enjoyed it; a little preachy about the divorce/child custody, but lite humour nonetheless)
Music: Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club/Sheryl Crow ('I hitched a ride with a vending machine repairman' remains a line I wish I'd written), Alanis Morissette - her good album ('isn't it ironic?')

2003-03-24 Today I witnessed something sickening (no pun intended...read on). "Epi", as we'll call her, was dining at Pizza Hut's All You Can Eat lunch buffet. She was rail thin and wore pants that, under the strain of a tightened belt, revealed several deep fabric folds indicative of oversized clothing (or, in this case, an undersized person). She made frequent noticeable trips to the buffet, each time loading up her plate with enough to choke Roseanne Barr. After horse-chomping her food and downing large quantities of water, she got up and went to the bathroom. This routine went on through another two or three iterations until I finally realized she was hurling her still warm lunch in the toilet. I felt compelled to say something to her; after all, she was OK looking and, well, thin, but I said nothing. It disturbed me for the rest of the afternoon. Mental illness just fascinates me. (Hey, birds of a feather...)
Movies: About A Boy (Hugh cantact Grant; about as bland as a warm cheese sandwich), The Outsiders (Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, + every other teen idol of the day; utterly predictable retelling of West Side Story among a thousand other 'gang' movies), The Time Machine (time travel movies traditionally are so full of holes that they annoy, as was this one; however, it held my interest for the duration. I guess I'm saying it was alright as long as you know the obvious shortcomings), The General's Daughter (Travolta;lame been-done-a-hundred-times military cover up flick, in this case the rape of, you guessed it, the general's daughter; ho hum; so dum), Heaven And Earth (Tommy Lee Jones; this flick got ejected 30 minutes into it, so I can't attest to its suckiness. The first 30 minutes, fyi, are all about the history of Vietnam, which I know you give two craps about.)
Music: Blink 182 - Enema of The State (mediocre rock reigns supreme!...what's my age again?)

2003-03-19 It's really too bad Mister Rogers is gone. Aside from all the jokes about his personality (hey, he seemed a decent guy), what was truly awesome about him was that he tried to teach kids that nothing happens just because you wish for it (the Disney® approach). He stressed that you have to work hard for things to happen and even then, sometimes things still won't happen. Check it out, every current kids' book, film and TV show sends the same message -- there is nothing bad in this world that won't be resolved by the end of the story. Mister Rogers (and Roald Dahl and Dr. Seuss among others) had a much better approach: sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them. Some people are mean or stupid or smell bad or treat you differently because you don't look like they do...whatever. Kids need to be raised in reality because they're gonna have to deal with it sooner or later. Goodnight, Mr. Rogers.
Movies: Son of Flubber (hey, I had to check out the 1963 sequel), Myth of Fingerprints (OK, but typical tension laden family reunion flick where no one gets along and family secrets are uncovered and mom reminds you of who you are...yawn), The Aristocats (lite, fun Disney fare, but you knew that)

2003-03-17 So the Chixie Dicks, I mean Dixie Chicks dissed President Bush. Who cares? We live in such a fickle society that you can't say anything without pissing someone off. I applaud the DC who said it (for her honesty) and was sorely disappointed when she tried to retract her statement (for fear of losing celebrity). I guess she'll go the way of Sinead O'Connor. It's also nice to see that Kid Rock's 15 minutes are pretty much used up, too.
Movies: The World of Tomorrow (1985 documentary about the 1939 NY World's Fair; excellent view inside the 'tomorrow' of yesterday. I almost cried.), The Absent Minded Professor (Disney original with Fred MacMurray; nice, lite, fun kid's flick), Spy Kids 2 (typical plotless current kid video with too many gadgets and not enough story; some cuteness, but I need more.)

2003-03-10 I received an email today telling me that "size and stamina do matter." Go figure. After all these years I thought it was just a myth. Dingo took my baby.
Movies (backlogged): Blood Work (old fart Clint Eastwood plays an old fart; duh cop movie that's mediocre in its best moments, and that's being generous), Blue Crush (surf flick; worst piece of turd I've seen in recent years), Snow Dogs (cute for kids under 10 and few others), Animal Farm (read the book; it's much better), Straight Story (how about 'long, slow, boring story' for a title?), A Cry In The Dark (Meryl Streep; story that made 'dingo took my baby' an everyday Australian phrase; not bad), Lantana (very Robert Altman like, and I don't mean that as a compliment; intertwined stories surround a dead woman; a real let-down), Meet The Parents (I just like this movie, even after multiple viewings)
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication (this has to be the most average band around, but they're good for a listen every now and then)

Top 2003-02-23 I always wanted to learn how to whistle using two fingers (something all NYC residents must know if you believe what you see in the movies). Put it on the list for tonight's homework. I can't wait to hail my first cab...
Movies: Lavender Hill Mob (B/W lite comedy oldie; OK at best with early cameo from Audrey Hepburn), 2 Days In The Valley (Danny Aiello, James Spader, Charlize Theron; crime/murder in the Hollywood Hills, so what else is new? This flick was alright, at best, due to its mostly predictable twists and overuse of Charlize Theron's figure.)

2003-02-22 Tattoo parlours should offer a two for one deal: with every tattoo you buy, you get a free 'white trash' tattoo thrown in gratis.
Movies: Panic (Another Bill Macy one word title film (add it to Fargo, Focus, Magnolia,...); Mr. Macy yet again as the quiet guy capable of violent action. He's done it to death. This film was weak and it contained one of my most despised film cop-out endings: where everyone conveniently dies to resolve all outstanding issues. Ugh. Oh, during this film I grew to hate Neve Campbell, too, and those omnivisible two front teeth of hers. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way.), The Price of Milk (New Zealand film; this film had potential as it started out somewhat charming and had some really nice touches (including an agoraphobic dog who moved around under a box), but it lost steam and took some hugely uneven turns in the middle. Oh well.)

2003-02-21 Today I'm pissed off again at the lack of customer service in America. My two experiences today involve the most intricate phone menu system I've ever heard; you know the drill: press 1 for English, then press 7 for personal accounts, then press 3 for savings, then press 5 for money market savings, etc, etc, etc... The other call had to do with holding for 20 minutes and hearing over and over how "important my call is to Cigna". If my call is so damn important, then why the F&*K don't they answer it? Bastards, all of 'em.
Movies: Fear Dot Com (The Ring-like ripoff flick with a pretty Natascha McElhone, but even she couldn't boost its mediocrity), John Q (Ugh, but you already knew that), Not Another Teen Movie (enjoyable disposable spoof of teen movies, ALL of which I've seen; would have gotten a recommendation, but there were too many over-the-top crude jokes that took away from its charm), Austin Powers' Goldmember (OK, strike three of the unfunniest garbage Mike Myers ever put out; this lasted about 12 minutes before that ridiculously stupid mini-me character forced me to angrily eject the dvd), Desk Set (Hepburn/Tracy; lite (and very dated) romantic comedy from the 50's; Spencer Tracy is at his best in light comedic roles such as this)

2003-02-17 The East coast got hit with about 300 feet of snow this past weekend. This storm already has a nickname on all the news stations: "the Blizzard of 2003". If we get another blizzard this year, they'll have to get a bit more creative with their stupid storm nicknames. I hate when the media tries to make the weather more interesting that it is. Oh, what is up with those ridiculous satellite animations they show during the weather forecast? They loop a graphic showing a big colored blob moving over a map of the US and we meteorologically challenged morons are supposed to derived some meaning from this? I bet they have a random set of 10 blob animations that they just put up there so you have something to look at. It'd be easier to get a weather bunny for the channel; at least then we'd have something interesting to look at while the clueless weatherman spouts off his random doesn't-have-to-be-accurate forecast.
Did I mention that snow kicks ass? I truly appreciate the calm that snow brings, but I can only handle a few instances a season.
Movies: Mifune, Scarecrow (Al Pacino, Gene Hackman; dated, alright 70's drifters flick), Gattaca (Uma Thurman & her short husband Ethan Hawke; underappreciated sci-fi film; despite Hawke's limited acting ability, this movie is outstanding (mostly because it rings true...just you wait and see))
Music: Everlast - Whitey Ford Sings the Blues (What it's Like, Ends) (Listening to this CD makes me feel closer to the plight of the black man in America...baaaahahaha...yeah, whatever. I do like the two hits though.)

2003-02-14 The most tragic aspect about this latest space shuttle crash is that a) 7 people died, b) America wasted another few billion dollars and c) 99% of us have no clue what purpose the damn thing was serving when it crashed. We all hear about the importance of space travel, but why doesn't anyone tell us what it has to do with the price of bread. Personally, I think it's a waste of money. On an unrelated note, Dolly (the cloned sheep) died. Poor girl.
Movies: The Pianist (with a 'T'; well done holocaust movie, but I really just don't get the point of these kinds of films; are the filmmakers trying to rekindle their past horrors that, somehow, the world (or they) may possibly have forgotten?...or are they trying to suck up to the Academy by playing to a largely Jewish industry? (I think the latter.) The film was very well made in any case.), Shooting Fish (little known film about three con artists and some of their capers; clever, cute and could really have been a great film, but not quite there.)
Music: In Tua Nua - All I Wanted (this song just rules. Whatever happened to them?)

2003-02-13 I now know how I'm going to make my millions: I'm going to open a Walmart-like ultramegasupermart and I'm gonna call it "Bangchick's". Think about it; 10% off Monistat 7 today only at Bangchick's! I'm there, dude.
Movies: Home Alone 2 (same cast as the first; never have I seen a movie so blatantly copy its predecessor in such detail; oh well, nothing great here, but it's always great to see someone hit in the face with a brick), The Importance Of Being Earnest (Reese Witherspoon; boooooring. I hate period pieces.)

2003-02-10 My favorite thing today is idiots who forward email messages to you that have 100,000 other recipients in the header. Hasn't anyone ever bothered to learn what the 'BCC:' field is used for? Oh, and I especially looooove those emails that require opening 9 submessages before you get to the actual content (and it's always one of those moronic "don't scroll down until you've taken the stupid quiz" types.) It's times like these that I wish there were an minimum IQ requirement to qualify to use email. I'm so over stupid, annoying people, even if I are one.
Movie: American Pie 2 (Teen flick done right; Stifler kicks ass)
Music: Midge Ure - Solo compilation (he still has the best male voice in pop music)

2003-02-09 Who invented alimony payments? I mean, the guy must have been high on something, because it's a load of crap. Imagine you get some incredible job earning well into 6 figures and for some reason or another your marriage breaks up. Now about half your cash goes to your ex-wife because she was, well, there. Um, ok. I think they should amend the law to state that if she (or he, as the case may be) can verbalize exactly what duties you perform while at work without using words like 'stuff' and 'things', then she's entitled to maybe five percent of your pay. If she/he used to be able to do your job, up her cut to about 10-20%. If she/he can actually do your job comparable to your performance level, then drop it to 0% because she/he can get their own damn job. Some people I know who make 6 figures on their own are still entitled to collect alimony despite their current income. I really think this is just wrong.
Movie: What's Up Doc? (Barbra Streisand; silly themed mix-up movie, but enjoyable)
Music: B-52's - CD with Roam, Love Shack and Deadbeat Club on it ("tiiiiiiiin roof. rusted.")

2003-02-06 Guns are for pussies.
Movies: El Mariachi (excellent low budget film; too bad he lost all credibility with the big budget remake), That Darn Cat (remake with Christina Ricci; good kid flick; Christina Ricci actually pulled off being cool in a Disney film. It had a great line in it: "...another Danielle Steele book came out today, but the TV Movie is always so much better.")
Music: Moody Blues - Best, Roxy Music/Bryan Ferry - Street Life (Best Of) (hey, it was "art-rock" day at the house)

2003-02-02 What's the deal with soy and tofu? Well, I have less of an issue with tofu because it inherits the taste of whatever you soak it in (much like a paper towel), but soy, on the other hand, tastes like crap in virtually all forms. Soy milk tastes like vomit, soy meatballs taste like rubber superballs, some soy burgers aren't too bad if you have enough ketchup, blah, blah, blah. I'm only ranting about this because I think it's so funny that soy and tofu (both vegetarian protein source alternatives) are so commonly dressed and seasoned as though they were actually the meat or dairy products which they're trying to avoid. Now, if I were avoiding eating, say, cabbage, why on earth would I prepare the alternative to look and taste like cabbage? Ugh. Time for a nice bowl of Cap'n Soy Crunch in soy milk with tofu berries, and that proves I'm better than you. So there.
Music: Judas Priest - Unleashed in the East ("Tyrant hideous destructor"; from back in the days before Priest became a total joke)

Top 2003-01-31 Did you ever wonder what they do with all those phone call recordings that they make when they say, "your call may be recorded for training purposes" on 800 numbers? They should make compilation CDs of the most annoyed customers; it'd be a riot and I'd be first in line to purchase (well, download; let's be honest). I'm just wondering if all the bitching I've done to virtually every sucky company I had to deal with is being used for training. I wonder if anyone in the training class would recognize my voice. I think I should be paid for helping train the next set of flunkies who are destined to piss me off sooner or later. I don't mind clueless as much if you're at least pleasant, but these bims are neither pleasant nor informed. Screw it, switch to Vonage and use me as a referral (click here).
My new hated company: Verizon. My new loves: Vonage and MCI.
Movies: Windtalkers (Nicolas Cage war flick; all the trimmings of a war flick, but decently made), Lilo & Stitch (more complete and utter garbage from the Disney people; ejected and thrown across the room after 15 minutes), Tomcats (this was very stupid, but I needed to recover from Lilo & Stitch; it was actually pretty good for what it was, which was a stupid teen sex comedy)
Music: Cardigans - First Band On The Moon (this is as wussy as wuss music gets, but you have to appreciate any band who remakes Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" and pronounces it "I Ron Man"; good toe tapping music with absolutely no balls whatsoever.)

2003-01-29 There are some supplements on the market today that claim to "improve mood", "uplift mental states", "amplify physical performance" and the list goes on... Anyway, I have no problem with what people choose to put in their own bodies except for when the same people who take these supplements are totally outspoken in their disapproval of illicit drug use. I mean, if you're taking a pill to alter your mental state, isn't that the same as some crackhead getting his fix? Just because your drug of choice has passed FDA testing or ships with the word "natural" on the bottle doesn't mean you're different. Maybe the crackhead is better off, because he probably doesn't know any better (or care) and these healthier-than-thou idiots claim to be so informed. Granola heads are annoying.
Movie: Focus (Bill Macy, Laura Dern; completely irrelevant anti-semite flick which leaves you wondering how you ever thought Laura Dern was hot; what drug/alcohol aged her so quickly (or is she just ill)?)
Music: Paul McCartney - All the Best (mostly candy-coated fluff with the occasional catchy hook; pales in comparison to his Beatles output.)

2003-01-28 OK, I'm over my little tirade of yesterday... So, Les Miserables (aka, "Lame Is", "Less Miserable") is leaving Broadway for good. Who cares? Jean Valjan is not just a number. Do homos celebrate Valentine's Day? Oh, my Bongo Board is done.
Movie: Zoolander (Ben Stiller; this was silly, but I'll admit had some pretty funny bits in it. This is Owen Wilson's 300th film.)

2003-01-27 I hate (more than almost anything), adults that act like babies. Everything from crying about things that they have the capacity to change to whining about why they're not where they expected to be at this stage in their life. Ugh. A good smacking will end their bitching. Listen, if you wanna be somewhere else, then MOVE. If you don't like your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, then MOVE ON. If you hate your job, then QUIT. If you hate your life, then COMMIT SUICIDE. If you always wanted to learn another language, then LEARN ONE. If you want to read more, then SHUT OFF YOUR TV AND READ MORE. If you wanna lose weight, then DON'T EAT SO DAMN MUCH AND WORK OUT. If you wanna be cool, then DON'T TRY TO BE COOL. If you wanna be ultra-cool, then BE LIKE MICHAEL. I hate everybody, but I can't KILL cuz I don't wanna go to JAIL. So I type here. Actually, I do all I can to avoid people like these, if at all possible. They drain me to no end and I just end up wanting to smack them. To be honest, I think I just wanna smack someone. Any takers?
Movies: American Pie (again, good flick), Cobb (a tired, old Tommy Lee Jones plays a tired, old baseball player; boring), Chaplin (Robert Druggie Jr.; Chaplin was never really that good; Buster Keaton blows him away on every level), Mr. Roberts (light, but enjoyable WWII flick with Henry Fonda), Ghost World (probably the best film from 2001)

2003-01-24 I saw a film today (oh boy) with a 1970 Jane Asher in it. On the way home I realized that she was once engaged (which, by the way, means that you may or may not get married) to Beatle Paul McCartney. I also stopped at a bookstore along the way and saw a 2003 Beatles calendar, showing them in their prime, circa 1965. The point of all this randomness is that it made me wonder why anyone would buy a Beatles calendar in 2003. I've said it before, these guys did put together an incredibly diverse body of work spanning only a few short years and I do enjoy much of their work, but, as John Lennon himself once said, "We were just a band that got very, very big." And they were just a band, that's all. I can't imagine (no pun intended) someone in 2003 still clinging to the early days of Beatlemania for their foundation for happiness. Christ, it was nearly 40 years ago. It's like all these morons hanging on to Elvis memories, when he so totally sucked and has become a joke. What's also especially funny to me (not "ha ha" funny) was that when George Harrison died, pretty much nobody under 30 knew who he was beyond his title of "ex-Beatle". By rights, maybe nobody should have known who he was; it's not like he cured polio or anything. Moral: live in today. Oh well, another day, another rant. Ringo never, Pete forever...
Movie: Deep End (a pretty Jane Asher in a young-boy-obsessed-with-older-woman story; decent, but you've already seen it)

2003-01-23 David Thewlis is such a good actor. Here's my favorite dialogue from the film "Naked" in which Thewlis plays Johnny:
  Louise: Were you bored in Manchester?
  Johnny: Was I bored? No I wasn't f&%kin bored. I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody - you're all so bored. You've had nature explained to you and you're bored with it. You've had the living body explained to you and you're bored with it. You've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it. So now you just want cheap thrills and, like, plenty of em and it don't matter how tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it's new, as long as it's new, as long as it flashes and f&%kin beeps in forty f&%kin different colours. Well whatever else you can say about me, I'm not f&%kin bored.
  Louise: Yeah, all right.
  Johnny: So, how's it goin' for you?
  Louise: It's a bit borin' actually.
I'm bored with crappy films, garbage reading and complete and utterly talentless music. Someone save me. Oh, does everyone know that the principal from Ferris Beuller's Day Off is a convicted pedophile? I just don't understand this.
Movie: Naked (see above; bleak, but well done flick)
Music: Yes - 70's band; compilation of their best 15+ minute songs, each having 5 or more distinct sections (what are they a rock band or a freakin' orchestra? "And You and I" kicks butt.)

2003-01-22 It's finally time (post Napster) to stick it to the record companies. Apparently, record companies were allegedly doing a bit of price fixing on CDs, cassettes and vinyl between 1995 and 2000. You can file a claim here to get up to $20 back from these greedy asses. It's not much, but it sure feels good to kick them back for a change.
Music: South Park - Bigger, Longer & Uncut soundtrack + Chef Aid + Mr. Hankey's Christmas (great anytime of year)
Book: Eloise Takes a Bawth (5th kid's book in series by Kay Thompson; almost any posthumous output comes under fire, but especially this one. The bottom line is that Ms. Thompson just couldn't keep Eloise interesting beyond the first book. The character is awesome, but she just lost steam. This book was OK, but I expect much more out of Eloise.)

2003-01-20 I made a Bongo Board today; pictures to follow (unless it looks like hell). It's one of those balancing boards about 3 feet long balancing on a 4 inch diameter fulcrum. The idea is you stand on the board and try to balance before you smash your skull on the ground.
Movie: Catch Me If You Can (Leonardo DiCaprio, Spielberg; interesting story of con man Frank Abignale; prompts further research as I wonder how much of this was Spielbergized; the story far outshines the film), Yellow Sky (Gregory Peckory; B/W western flick from 1948; you get what you expect to get)
Music: Blue Angel - Blue Angel (Cyndi Lauper's old band before she became contrived and marketed; this could qui